2006, June 7 - 11:00 a.m.
Ross and I talked yesterday for four hours. It was the last talk we would have and the last time we would see each other. We are severing contact. There is no point in being friends, not when we feel like this.
We wanted different things from each other. He is a traveller. I enjoy travelling, but I don't want it as a lifestyle, especially not with someone else's resources. I need to maintain my own independance.
He wants a relationship that he can leave and come back to, for weeks or even months at a time. I need a more stable life than that. I want to make a life with someone, not feel a part of it.
I couldn't be myself around him when we were with other people. We were a team when we were alone but not when in front of others. He's a one-man show and I'm not. It made me feel ill at ease and it didn't make me feel confident. He couldn't understand where the Jenny he knew went once other people were around, and it frustrated him that no one he knew ever saw the real me. I'm not a quiet mouse but no one who only saw us together would ever know that.
The only place we worked was in our own universe, the one we created for ourselves. When we were alone together, nothing else mattered, nothing else existed. And we basked in each other's company and love.
But as time went on, we were living the kind of relationship I wanted but not the kind he wanted. And as he realized this he despaired and slowly pulled away. He loved me and couldn't bear to end it, but he saw the eventual end and couldn't escape it.
And I felt the shift. And I looked inside myself to find ways to give him what he wanted. But there were limits to what I could give. And he could no longer give me what I needed. He could no longer invest emotions and affection in something he knew would end.
I knew it was coming. I tried to save it, knowing in my heart I couldn't. I thought about ending it because it was causing me so much pain. But I couldn't and I decided that this was something that he should do. It would then be final, I could accept it, and I wouldn't have to choose to remove the one I loved most from my life.
When he was ready to finally do it, I knew. And the dark cloud that had been holding me was lifted because I would no longer have to wait for the moment to come for us to die.
We were so in love. But love only took us so far, just under two years.
The final goodbye was hard. That is the biggest understatement I could make. We held each other tight and we wept. He pulled me into his lap for the last time. He kissed my cheek. We pressed our foreheads together and I told him how much he had meant to me and he did the same.
We said "Thank you," for what we gave each other, what we've gained, what we've experienced... and after thank you, there was nothing more to be discussed. We were done.
I saw him out to the elevator and stood behind his chair and held him from behind for the last time. He squeezed my arm and kissed my palm. Our last words to each other as the elevator door closed were "I love you."
The pain I'm feeling is constant, though with brief moments of peace. I got closure. We honoured what we had and said goodbye to it in a really beautiful way. He was my first love and he will always have a place in my heart because he brought it to life.
And I feel thankful because I've known great love. I know how great my capacity to love someone is. The pain I feel right now, the loss, I would still do it again. What I had is worth this.
But I will never be the same. I'm wounded inside and some day a scab will form. And then there will be a scar the shape of him on my heart, and it will always be there. That's where he belongs now.
You have to learn to let things go, even the most meaningful things, with grace. The beautiful thing about first love, the incredible thing, is the ignorance that it will last forever. And now I begin the long process of moving on, one day at a time. It will be a long road, but my life is taking a different path and I must follow it.
Goodbye Diaryland. Thank you.
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Thank You - 2006, June 7
The end - 2006, June 4
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