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About Jendra
2003, March 10 - 7:10 p.m.

I've been thinking... I use my Diaryland profile as an about me page. Well, sure it doesn't say much about me but I thought my diary was supposed to do that. But then again, sometimes it's more fun to make one page, just one entry entirely about me.

But where does one start? I'm 22 for one thing. I'm a 1982 baby. I'm the oldest and that can be a pain in the ass. Not because of what you may think either. My dad has always insisted all my life that the oldest has to look out for everyone else. He's even channelled that theory to me taking care of him. As a result, I have often felt guilty, like I don't do enough for my family. Feeling a lot of guilt in general tends to be a small problem for me.

I have two cats. They're 11 and I am afraid of them dying. I have had nightmares about it. My mom died when I was 16, which honestly feels like not that long ago at all, and I have done all I can to keep them. It's been hard. They've not always been welcome where I've lived these past few years.

Coping with my mother's death is a constant in my life. I am a happy person and I enjoy and appreciate many things but experiencing that kind of loss has left a mark. It's the sort of loss that will always be a part of me and will continue to shape who I am and how I feel throughout my life.

I'm a Canadian and I'm very happy about this. I thank my lucky stars to not live in a country where George Bush is in control. But I do wish I could leave Canada all the same. Just to travel. I've never been outside of the country. It's almost getting to the point where I'm afraid of the idea.I don't want that to happen.

I love to read. I go through books as fast as I can get my hands on them. I love Japanese culture, including anime and my passion, geisha. I love art and photography. I consider myself an artist but I'm still finding myself in a way, to see where in the art world I belong. I'm interested in all kinds of artistic expression like photography, web design, drawing, painting and writing but yet I'm not exactly sure where I fit.

I'm easily addicted to harmless things like videogames, kinder eggs and TV shows. I have a large vocabulary but I have the feeling it's dwindled since around the time I decided that showing off was not the way to win people over.

I was a loner as a child and as a result, I can spend plenty of time alone and enjoy it. However, it also makes me feel excessively lonely the moment I feel like having some sort of human interaction. I can be difficult to get to know. I'm an introvert, no question about it. Often I can be shy around new people, I get lost in my own thoughts constantly (even when I'm talking to someone) and frequently I feel anxious about being in social situations I'm not used to.

I have a bad temper. When I'm provoked too far, I say things that I can't remember later. I'm told I shake, my face turns red and I make a scary face. I tend to cry when I'm really angry.

I hate whiners. I like people who vent, but not people who refuse to deal with life. I don't allow myself to be taken advantage of emotionally. I never give people more of myself then I'm willing to recieve back. I also don't allow people to give more to me then I'm willing to give back. I've become very particular about this.

I had a long term boyfriend until recently. I wasn't in love and had to end the relationship. He's taught me not to project my own values onto other people. He's also shown me that I'm loveable. He brought out a side of me I can still appreciate. He made me more political and he always challenged my mind. I tried to keep a friendship with him initally, but he had to end it. He's more recently initiated contact with me and we're maintaining a decent friendship that feels more natural.

I'm now in love with a wonderful person. I call him Ross in my diary, though that isn't his actual name. He's one of the best people I know, plus he's one of the best looking people I've ever known in real life. He is in a wheelchair and has lived in different cities since we met. I counted the days between when he left and when I could see him again. He's now moved to Toronto to be closer to me and that makes me feel incredibly happy. He amazes me all the time. He's so easy to love.

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