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Still waiting *pri
2005, April 24 - 12:08 p.m.

Related to my entry last night I am feeling very bad. I'm feeling guilty and anxious. I still haven't been able to talk about this and the fact that Ross doesn't even know how I feel yet is causing me anxiety. That is because I have written something to him that is very negative about something he wants to do and I feel guilty about it-- and I have to wait for him to even read it at all. And he said he might check his mail. Might.

I can't stand being in a position like this. The whole thing gives me a bad feeling in my gut and no matter what kind of scenerio I look at in a positive light it comes right back to my bad feeling. Either it's my gut instinct telling me that it's a bad idea or it's my intuition telling me it's a bad idea.

And what gets me is that it's all about me and my feelings. As far as how their plan will affect the two of them, I don't have this bad feeling. There will be problems but only enough to make me weary. No, the bad feeling comes directly from how this will affect me and that really upsets me.

I don't want to feel this way. I feel guilty and selfish feeling this way. I don't want to hinder what convenient and percievable fun people I love want to plan for themselves. As far as I know, they both think it's a great idea and that it will work. To the best of my knowledge, I am the only factor that is negative and I hate it.

I don't want them to do it. For my sake, I don't want it to happen because it will make me feel bad. I dont want to say that to them because what right have I?

And it doesn't mean if I even had the gall to say "please don't do it," that it would even work. It could go right ahead and happen anyway with this cloud of irritation directed at me or that walking on eggshells mentality. Like Caitlin said when I was talking to her about this, "How much will your feelings even matter?" And I don't know. Either they'll matter enough to prevent it from happening, which will make me feel bad or my feelings won't matter enough and that will make me feel bad. It's no win.

I have the slightest feeling there is something more to how I feel about this and why it's such a negative feeling. I'm not even close to knowing what that is. There is just some additional lingering bad feeling.

I hate that I hate this idea. I wish I loved it. I wish I thought it was a brilliant idea and was thrilled about it.

But I can't change the way I feel, not when I'm basing it on a gut instinct. There is nothing inside of me that likes this idea at all.


Fuck...

I wish I wasn't still waiting to talk about this. But Ross only said in his last e-mail that it would be fun and he didn't see at all how it could affect things with him and me. So I'm feeling this alone and that, and all the uncertainty, is driving me crazy.

They're probably planning away and happy about this whole idea with each other to talk to and bounce ideas off each other. As if he just dropped that on me and left, not even gving me any opportunity to talk to him about it. That was unfair of him, and very inconsiderate. For all I know, they're super jazzed about this idea and when they finally find out how I feel I am going to be this big buzz-killer/wet blanket/ass hole.

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Thank You - 2006, June 7
The end - 2006, June 4
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In and Out - 2006, May 28
Where Have I Been? - 2006, May 25