I'm feeling better. I had a good talk with a friend last night and it really helped.

I feel a weight has lifted. I got through another bad episode and this time it was relatively quick. Though, realizing how good I feel now makes me understand that this has been coming on for weeks. God, you know, I can always feel it coming on but only when it's too late to do anything.

My perceptions were off again. I was seeing everything wrong, thinking the wrong thoughts and I fell into the hole. I hate that. I really fucking hate that.

Thing is, I like myself. I think I'm good people. This is not a self-esteem issue. This is all about me being resistent to change.

Here is the thing, when Ross asked me to move in almost a year ago, and I agreed against my instincts, it led me to certain thinking. For one, moving in is a massive stage in a relationship. It is about establishing a future with someone. I was in the happy to be here now stage and that decision pushed me into this new more future-oriented stage.

Then that was obliterated. Even though the result is good, the feelings associated with it were bad. It was an end to something before it began. It was stressful and it was a huge change and it scared me. It put me in a bad place where I was thinking that if he could change this, he could just leave too. It was so out of the blue that I got anxious.

That triggered my anxieties all across the board. I have father anxieties. He's an addict. He's unpredictable. I will always in the back of my mind be anxious about him. I learned some troubling things during my last visit with him too. It was weighing on my mind. Then the news of my cousin was just too much. Emotional overload.

I am emotional. I always have been. And considering that there are certain things in my life that I grieve for, there will always be times when a dark place comes upon me and I'll just have to deal.

I resent hearing that I need help. If I had a drug problem, or was an alcoholic, suicidal, self injuring, anorexic, or part of any kind of unhealthy practice or relationship that was destructive or abusive I would agree.

But all I do is experience short periods of pain and sadness. They seem to come yearly. When they do, I let them happen, I cry, I talk to people I care about and I just let myself feel it. Then, usually when I'm ready, I'll talk to someone who I know will help shake things into perspective. And then I emerge feeling alive again.

The idea of getting help was to head those dark days off before they came.

But is that saying it's not okay to feel bad sometimes? That here and there I should not rely on those I love but should instead talk to a stranger? It takes me a damn long time to get to know someone well enough to feel comfortable to talk and I just don't see how it can help in the meantime. Not when I have a system that gets the job done.

I think my emotions scare them is the thing. I can understand that. I can feel an incredible amount of pain. But what I don't think they realize is letting that out in the end feels good. I lost someone amazing who I needed and still need today. That aches. I need the release and I don't need to do it in front of a professional.

I'm not a depressed person. I'm quite happy. Just not all the time. I don't think that means I have a problem. I think it makes me human.

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