I start my apartment search in nine days. Holy Christmas.

Catholic came to visit me this weekend. I went to the bus station to meet her yesterday at 2:30. There were Amish people there. They looked so beyond out of place and I wondered what they were doing in a Toronto bus terminal. I waited around the station but she wasn't there. This is exactly the sort of thing that would freak me out.

I went to customer service and the lady working there said that the bus had in fact arrived. I hung around, checking everywhere around, anywhere she could be. Nothing. The lady said the next bus from Ottawa would be there at 4:30.

So, I went home, hoping there would be a phone message for me. Nothing again. So, I panicked a bit and called Brent. He's living at her and Andrew's place for a little while so I thought he might know something. He didn't.

And since he is as tighly-wound a person as I am, I felt free to air my anxieties and rev my speech and all the other startling things one does when one is alarmed and nervous.

But, he did calm me down. He's always been good at doing that. Rather than tell me to calm down, he talks rationally about the situations, offering reasonable solutions and ideas. He said he'd call me if she called him, which she might do if she didn't have my phone number on her.

Well, she didn't have my number and she did call Brent, who then felt like hero of the day telling me that Catholic was at the bus station and I could find her there.

Me: "I am so glad I called you!"

Brent: "Yes, everyone should call me!"

Finding her felt so good. I could relax and laugh. Her bus had been an hour late. The lady at customer service had said different but no matter.

So, we had a seriously fun time. We went shopping and we went out for a really nice dinner, we got two movies and settled in for the night. French toast and another movie in the morning, and then out for coffee. It was just lovely. And she brought me a birthday present, two and a half months late. And that was really funny because last weekend Steph took me out for a birthday dinner.

My friends are really great.

And now Catholic is on the bus back home and I got an e-mail from Rock Star. See, I had been wondering about her and had relayed my feelings to a mutual friend who then talked to her about me. I guess it got her thinking and she wrote, asking to read up on what I've been doing via this diary.

My instincts told me, "Hell, why not?" So I said yes. Now, allowing others I know to read this has frequently been an error. But since this is the first I've written of her in years and there is nothing in here that could offend, I don't see the harm.

Ooh, and I didn't mention this. I'm going to be taking a jewellery workshop. I think it will be really fun. Plus, I may meet some new people, which I could really use in my life. It's in mid-march. It's part of this strong urge I've been having to change my life. Or rather, go along with change, only contributing to it instead of getting caught in it.

I realized today, as I was walking alone, that a spell has been broken. I feel so incredibly normal. This is life without anxiety. This is feeling like the only thing I need is me. Everything else is secondary-- wonderful, fun, enriching, but secondary.

I'm going to have my first real home for the first time ever. I'm going to do things that are fun and interesting, which will let me meet new people. I'm going to invite more people to visit me and go visiting more often. I have choices. I can be as happy as I want.

That is the thing, I have chosen to be happy.

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Thank You - 2006, June 7
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