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Seasonal Distraction
2006, March 1 - 9:02 p.m.

Is it the season or is it me? I weigh this question in my mind over and over again. Blaming the Winter months is so easy. It gives me hope.

My sex drive is gone. I feel distracted all of the time. I am oversleeping. I am not happy, I am not content. I feel alone.

I can't think of anyone I can talk to. That hurts really bad. I don't know how to make this go away. I don't want to hear "talk to someone." I cannot afford therapy.

My doctor suggested it was seasonal. I saw her today. I'm going off the pill in hopes of regaining my sex drive. She also suggested that various things going on in my life were causing me stress and it was no wonder my mood has been affected.

I don't feel like I have a soft place to turn to. I have one friend who I sometimes turn to and she is a help. But in the end, I don't want to bother her. Talking to my dad... just doesn't seem like a good idea. My aunt Debby perhaps? But I don't think I can just call her and unload. We mostly e-mail. Catholic would listen but I'd make her feel helpless.

Brent somehow doesn't seem like the person to call. I certainly couldn't talk to him about my sex drive. And then there is Ross. I'm slowly realizing that though comfort from him feels really good, it makes him feel horrible. I find myself wanting to shield him from me.

I tried to re-read some of the letters he wrote me but I couldn't. I cried. For one, it's been months since he wrote them. And I get the feeling he's no longer happy and reading those happy words from what feels like so long ago aches. The last thing he wrote me was for Valentine's Day and it was about sex. Considering my lack of desire for it, it almost felt like... I'm not sure. I felt a little guilty. But it was physically-charged, not an emotional or loving piece of writing. I liked it but the lack of emotion behind it was unsettling.

I find my irritability is up. I cannot concentrate. Everything feels bad.

Oh god, I feel so alone.

March is here now... maybe Springtime will help. Why doesn't it give me hope? Why does it feel like there is more going on? I feel trapped inside myself.

And, again, with my irritability, I don't even recognize myself. I'm less fun to be around, I'm sure of it.

I need to call someone.

I called my dad. I just got off the phone with him. As soon as he heard me cry he asked me if I wanted him to come up. And without hesitation when I said yes, he told me he would take the first bus up in the morning.

There are times in my life where something will happen or someone will do something and I am blown away. This is one of those times. I feel calmer. I feel cared for. I feel like there is someone out there willing to go the distance for me. I feel so thankful, so thankful that I can say that person is my dad. I've never been able to say that before.

Debby has seasonal affective disorder. She had it for years before it was diagnosed. She was able to finish my sentences and also referred to the dark times as being "in the dark hole." I'm not diagnosing myself, but I know something is wrong with me and I strongly suspect that her and I share that problem.

I feel better. I feel better knowing someone who loves me is coming for me.

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<< tradition - modern >>

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