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Impossible Day
2006, March 4 - 12:10 p.m.

Yesterday was horrible.

The first night with my dad was fine. The second day after work he was drunk at 4:00 pm. I was so ashamed. I can't ever truly rely on him, not ever. I had no choice but to take him all over the city to where I needed to go, leaving him behind in safe places so he wouldn't ruin first impressions for me, and finally had to take him to the bus station to send him home a day early.

A part of me died yesterday.

I could go all over the details but what good is it.

I called Ross and asked him to come back early. I called him while my dad was still at my place and I knew he was listening to me on the phone. I didn't say what the problem was only that I needed him.

He came and we talked. It was a horrible discussion.

His sudden abscences take a toll on me and they're even worse when he says he doesn't know if he'll call or not. I told him this. There were a few other things that were hurting my feelings and I shared them. I said I needed to know where he stood on those things.

But then the conversation got ugly. We got on to the subject of what he is doing with his life, which is, well, not very much. In the end, I said something very sarcastic and flippant that hurt him. It really, really hurt his feelings.

And I was shocked that I had said it because I hadn't intended to say anything like that at all. He was really mad. I felt really sorry and said so and I feel a lot of regret... I know if it had been a regular day, if I hadn't been feeling like I was dangling on a ledge, I wouldn't have come out with that. What gets me is that I'm not like that but now I have that mark on my history and now so does Ross.

And so we talked. We talked until I cracked. It was all too much. Two emotionally hurtful and diffiuclt things in one day from the two men in my life was just too damn much.

I was trembling from how tense my body was. He gave me a massage. And then when he said he wanted to go, I realized I needed him to stay. I couldn't finish off this horrible day by having him leave and going to bed knowing he was hurt and angry with me with everything hanging uncertainly in the balance.

So he stayed. And we made love. It was the first time in over a month. Something in me sparked. He had heard me, everything was out on the table, I wasn't holding anything in anymore. I could just let go.

I don't know what is going to happen. I'm taking everything bit by bit. I haven't eaten anything in almost two days. And I'm not hungry.

The thought of eating anything is impossible.

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