We talked about everything on Oscar night. It was a long talk and at times a little painful and we both cried. We discussed our problem which focused on one major issue. He wants to be spontaneous and I want stability.

These are two opposing forces. We're two different people. He had discussed the analogy of, "the shoe fits or it doesn't" with a friend while trying to sort out his feelings. The analogy would be fine if it weren't for the fact that I am not a shoe.

We are two complex human beings with our own unique interests, dreams, goals, fears, hopes, needs, personalities, temperments, souls, life histories, upbringings and biochemistry. We are not designed to fit each other like shoes.

And what would be the point in it all if we fall in love so young and didn't have to learn and grow together? If we were just perfect fits? It's been my experience that anything worthwhile takes time and effort. Love like this is one of those things. We needed to find some middle ground.

We had both thought about ending it the day before we talked. We each considered that though we loved the other so much that maybe we were only hurting ourselves and each other by being together. We both at one point concluded that we were going to have to break the other one's heart.

And we both realized, when we looked at each other that day, that we were not going to be able to do that.

Ross had been discussing the possibility of us breaking up and said he couldn't do it unless I wanted to as well. I said the same thing and neither of us could do it. We were either going to mutually split up or mutually stay together.

That's how I knew we needed to keep trying. That kind of affinity in such a situation tells me something. We made love while discussing it. We talked about how maybe we would find our way back to each other later or maybe realize down the road it was all for the best to part. And as we talked, he stoked my hair and I knew he loved me.

And then we talked about staying together. We talked about trying new things to make us both happy. Ross asked, what if we get back to this place? When do we decide it's too much? And I said, when we are able to break up, it's too much.

So I made suggestions of what I could do to support his need to be spontaneous that would help me keep some stability. Then he made some suggestions that would support some stability for me while still allowing him to be spontaneous.

We agreed to these and then came up with ideas of how to have more fun together and revive the romance that had been badly bruised from months of uncertainty and unhappiness.

And then we watched the Oscars.

And I know I feel better.

We have a common goal for a more distant future. We want the same things. We just need to get there. We learned a lot about each other and, I think, about ourselves.

I don't believe you find your soul mate in the sense that you meet someone and it's perfect. I think you become soul mates after you grow together and that it takes a long time. I believe it takes a lot of growing together for all the complexities of two individual people who are in love to form and shape to each other and compliment and feed the union in a balanced harmony, such as what you would find in soul mates.

If you could just find that one day, what is there to do? Where is the interest? Where is the growth?

Also, if you believe in that, no one will ever be able to make you happy. You can't be happy with who you're with, even if you're in love, if you believe that a perfect union exists for you elsewhere.

I don't think anything can hurt more than hearing, "I believe in soul mates but you're not it."

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Thank You - 2006, June 7
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