I hung out with Scott this evening. He's from my teenage years, an old friend from the neighbourhood. It was really good to see him again. He has been teaching in Japan so this was a big trip home.

I've been feeling kind of down. I had a councellors appointment yesterday and it really brought to light a lot of stuff I was feeling. Relationship stuff mostly. I may not be getting what I need.

I know I'm still feeling uncertain. I can't forget what Ross told me. He believes in soul mates and he doesn't think I'm it. I've been told a lot of hurtul things before, angry and abusive things by my dad. But this somehow is the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. It came from someone I love and have chosen for myself and that comment sticks with me.

I talked to my councellor about it and he thought that perhaps Ross has naive ideas about love and relationships. This whole idea of an ideal relationship out there. That's a lot of pressure on me. If something is going wrong, does that then signal to him that we're not right for each other?

I feel like I've invested so much of myself into this relationship and I'm not getting the same back. I get grand gestures and presents and that sort of thing. And that is wonderful. But I don't feel valued in the same way. I feel like maybe to him I'm someone to love, someone to hold, someone to be with. I don't feel like he's choosing me the same way I'm choosing him. Not if he believes there's a soul mate out there for him.

But I'm not ready to let this relationship go yet. I have hope. And I love him. I love him.

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