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| No Time 2006, May 2 - 1:03 p.m.
I've been feeling pretty down lately. I guess just the past few days. It has to do with Ross. We didn't spend very much time together through April and that can take a toll on a relationship. I think he can handle it better than I can. Early April he left five days ahead of me for Vancouver and when we got together we got sick. When we came back he spent the week with a friend who had the week off. In that time we were together mostly with our friend and had only a couple hours to ourselves scattered through the week and he was also out of town with the friend for a few days. Then I moved, which was stressful and it tooks days. We were together for some of it, but it was hardly fun because even when we weren't moving things I was either stressed out or tired or busy. Then there was another couple of nights he was out of town. We had a lovely date on the 28th, which marked 22 months together. It's almost been two years. We both had so much fun just being together. We had great talks over a nice meal and we saw a really funny movie and we played games when we got back to his place. I had been hoping after that for the weekend together to make up for lost time and to reconnect, sort of to cement the nice night we had. The date was a really great start because we had so much fun. But as it turned out, his cousin came for a visit. This was nice in a lot of ways. His cousin is good people and we all had fun together. Ross doesn't get to see him very often so it made sense for us to put our weekend together aside and for Ross to enjoy the visit. Thing is, I really needed that weekend with him. There won't be anymore days off that we can spend together for weeks. More weeks. It's disheartening and I've been feeling sensitive about it. This weekend he has a tournament that I can't make it to (two days of it fall on my work days) and so I'm going to visit Catholic. The next weekend is my dad's 50th birthday/Mother's Day so I'm going to spend time in K-town with my dad and go to my mom's gravesite. (This has also been taking a toll on me. It made me cry this weekend. I hate Mother's Day.) The weekend after that Steph is coming over and Brent will be in town. The weekend after that Ross is going to a wedding and he is not bringing me. (We fought about that. I was really hurt. Thinking about it, I had cited many reasons it bothered me, but reflecting, I'm also upset that it's one more chunk of time apart when it could be a nice weekend together.) The entire month of May, we won't spend any weekends together. I went to see him at lunch to surprise him. He's having a video game night with friends, which is his usual Tuesday night routine, so I won't get to see him until 11:00, only giving us maybe an hour or two together. I though popping in for a quickie would be a romantic thing to do. Thing is, he wasn't at home so it was a wasted trip and I felt disappointed. I wrote him an earlier this morning e-mail telling him how I felt. The time we have had together has been pretty minimal; hours at the end of the day when I'm tired, mostly. He wants to have sex then. But late at night when I'm worn down from the day and when I'm feeling kind of down from not seeing him so much, I just want to be held. Us only seeing each other a couple hours before I need to go to bed seems to becoming a pattern of sorts. It also makes me feel like I need more from him when we are together. More affection, more sweet words, more everything to make up for the absence. There hasn't been a good balance lately and looking ahead, I don't know how to correct it in the near future. We seem to have good intentions but this current lack of time together is bringing me down. We're going on a date tomorrow and then he's gone for at least four days, probably more. And the longer he's gone, the smaller the window of time we'll have before I leave for K-Town. Sigh. Love can be hard sometimes. We need to work together on this... I know this is only temporary but knowing that still doesn't make me feel very good. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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