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| Blacked Out 2006, May 16 - 8:37 a.m.
I am feeling incredibly angry right now. Last night I didn't write about this because I was in a bad place and I didn't want to even get into it. I wanted to not write about Ross and focus more on other things I was feeling. But I was worried. I had been blacked out for three days. He said he would call and e-mail me and I got nothing. Absolutely nothing. He was going to a funeral for the grandfather of a friend of ours. This grandfather was like a grandfather-figure type of person to him. We were supposed to have a nice night together on Friday but unfortunately that is when the bad news came. Obviously, plans changed so he took our friend to the funeral and picked up their cousin on the way. There would be services on Sunday and Monday. I was expecting him to call or e-mail me because he said he would. I figured he might want to talk or maybe just connect or even let me know via e-mail that he needed some time and couldn't talk. I got nothing. By Monday night it had been three days. I was out of my mind with worry. I can't be left to imagine the worst, it kills me. I cried, I thought about things like if he got killed in a crash, would anyone even have my number to be able to let me know? I tried our friend's cell and it went right to voicemail. That made me feel panicked. Her cell is always on. I tried his place and got the machine. I didn't leave a message. I tried later in the evening. I left a message on both the cell and Ross's place. I stayed calm for the cell message but on Ross's machine, I know my panic and worry was evident. I checked my e-mail again before bed at 12:30 and there was nothing. I had taken two gravols at 11:00 to make sure I had some help sleeping. Every time I thought about it, I kept forcing myself not to. I was angry at points but as the night went on, it had become nothing but worry. I checked my e-mail again in the morning at my place, something I never do. I always wait and check it at work. There was an e-mail from Ross written at 11:00 last night. My e-mail has been slow lately, something that has been irritating to us both. "Sorry for the blackout." 11:00... he was there when I called. He screened his call because he needed to "take care of himself." And this is where the rage comes in. He knew it would hurt me to be blacked out, in fact, that is the exact phrase I had in my mind the whole weekend. I felt blacked out. He knew and yet he did it anyway. I know exactly how it feels to lose a grandparent, I've lost them all. I recall my Poppie dying and me still being able to find the ability to call my father to let him know I didn't have it in me for visits. He knew I'd be in town and deserved a call to let him know what was up. I was not extended that simple courtesy. One fucking e-mail saying, "I'm sorry, I just need some time to be here and be with these people and remember him. This is harder than I expected, but I'll talk to you Tuesday when I get back." That was all he need write. No one is ever incapable of that much. He could have spared my feelings 100% with five minutes of his time. How could he do it? How could he hurt me like that? All the anxiety and worry I felt is now translating into anger. He got home, heard me on the machine, worried and upset, and did not pick up or call back. He wrote an e-mail late at night, knowing it would be hours before it would even go through, leaving me worried. It was selfish. You need time alone? Fine. Tell me, even in as few words as you need to, and you can have it. This showed me that he has no respect for me. He didn't even care what he was putting me through and I had a pretty fucking hard weekend too. I feel like I'm unimportant, like I don't deserve consideration for my feelings. Like I an not even close to being a high priority otherwise a mere few minutes could have been spared to ensure I was taken care of too. He doesn't get that it's not just about him. I can put my needs aside for his grief. But I have to be informed that it is needed. Just cutting me out of his life and blacking me out and leaving me in the lurch like that was cruel. And he thinks we can have a "nice night" tonight. Am I supposed to go, "Okay, sure! Awesome. No, I didn't mind being ignored for days without warning and left to worry. No, my feelings are insignificant, obviously! No, no, don't be silly. You can treat me how ever you see fit, even if you know you're hurting me. I don't matter at all. The only person whose feeling matter are yours." It just fucking amazes me... and somehow it takes me back to when my grandfather died and he said he'd come to the funeral reception. He said he'd be there even before it began. He missed the whole fucking thing and was like, "Oh, sorry. I was up late and slept in." He had no provisions in place to make sure he made it. Nope, he wanted to do what he wanted to do and if it was inconvenient or hurtful to me, well, heck. Oops! Sorry! I'm in this relationship too. If I inadvertantly hurt his feelings, I get a huge letter outlining how thoughtless I am. If he hurts me knowingly then I'm supposed to understand. And the thing is, if I discover that I've hurt him then I listen and I try and see his point of view and I appologize. If I hurt him then I make sure he knows I feel really bad and that I'm truly sorry. He rarely does that for me. I get the "I'm sorry you feel that way" non-appology. I already got the "I'm sorry if you're hurt by this but..." and that again tells me that he doesn't see it as important to acknowlege and accept that he did something hurtful. Rather, it's a self-absolving non-appology, ensuring that I get the message that it's my problem, not his. When someone dies I can understand needing time, I can understand needing to be out of communication. I can't understand the purposeful choice of not letting the person you love know that. I can't comprehend how one can give themselves permission to be so thoughtless. I am not special to him at all... If I'm in front of him, I matter, unless other people are there too. Then I'm lucky if I get attention from him. If he can't see me then it's like I don't exist to him. I just don't know... I don't get it. I'm feeling really hurt and unimportant. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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