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| A Hold 2006, May 22 - 4:13 p.m.
I'm feeling off today. I feel kind of sad inside and a little confused. It's weird but I am feeling insignificant and invisible. I wonder sometimes if I am a likable person. I don't know the answer to that. I think I am; at least, I feel like I'm a nice person. But I get the feeling like people don't want to be around me. I'm going to have my period soon so I don't know if that has something to do with my current mindset. Sometimes when I'm premenstrual I get a little depressed and it's hard to drag myself out of it. I'm not feeling anxious. It's just a sadness. A small empty loneliness that has a hold on me. It will pass. I am sure it will. But I am feeling bad now and I don't know how to help myself. I wish I didn't get like this. I would love for these moods to never hit me. I've been trying not to cry but it keeps happening. What is wrong with me? Am I sad because I feel like no one wants to be around me or do people not want to be around me because I'm sad? Or am I just sad and can't see anything further than that? I stopped my counselling. I stopped because it made me feel bad the last time I was there. Maybe I should resume. I don't know. A part of me doesn't know who I am. I feel almost as though I'm letting other people's ideas of me define who I am: Introverted, shy, quiet... Those who know me best and have known me longest see me as out-going, fun, happy, opinionated and nice. They are surprised to hear that I am thought of as quiet and shy. Maybe it's people like that who see those qualities in me bring out the best in me. Maybe it's poisoning me to have these wallflower opinions of me surrounding my life. I know the sort of woman I want to be. You would think knowing that would make it easy to be her, but somehow it isn't. I don't know what is holding me back. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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