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Where Have I Been?
2006, May 25 - 3:31 p.m.

I am sitting here at work beyond bored. There isn't anything left for me to do; I've been done a half hour. The meeting which was supposed to be right now has been moved until 4:00, the time I'm supposed to leave. So I have to sit around doing nothing so I can stay later.

I've been antsy all week. I need more to do at work. I'm going batty feeling like I'm wasting time.

Ross and I have been having problems too. I don't feel like we're connecting anymore. He isn't being nearly as loving with me and it's killing a small part of me inside. I don't know what to do about it. Frankly, I don't know how we are anymore. I still love him a lot, but I don't know if he loves me anymore.

I'm starting therapy in about two weeks. It's different from the councelling I was getting. This is a medical professional. I've been struggling with bad feelings for so long now. I've lost my appetite. I cry a lot. My IBS symptoms are far more frequent. I feel like a mess.

I feel like I don't have a soft place to fall. I don't feel safe.

I trying to figure out what I want, and even who I am. I feel like I'm losing myself.

Am I closing off the world? Am I shutting everything out? Is that part of my problem? Sometimes I live in my own head and I think that maybe I linger there too long. Sometimes I think that others are shutting me me... but could it be me doing that to everyone?

I can remember a couple times in the past few years that I've done that, only to realize way down the line that I've shut people out. I had thought that people were pulling away from me, only to be hit with the realization that I started it.

If so... then suddenly things make more sense. And thinking about this, my anxiety levels are noticably dropping. My skin is tingling; I feel like I'm on to something. How long has this been happening? Where have I been?

And now, what can I do about it? I don't know yet, but I am going to do something.

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<< tradition - modern >>

Thank You - 2006, June 7
The end - 2006, June 4
Canada Loves Me - 2006, May 31
In and Out - 2006, May 28
Where Have I Been? - 2006, May 25