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In and Out
2006, May 28 - 12:13 p.m.

I'm sitting here thinking of ways to put of writing this huge essay I planned to write this weekend. I really need to do it but I don't want to. I'm just not in the mood. Like that even matters when it comes to schoolwork.

Ross went to the wedding yesterday. I found myself feeling a little bitter about it. I still don't agree with his decision not to take me and I still feel kind of hurt by it. It would have been a good time for us and he chose a friend over me. He could have seen that friend and then made plans with him for another day but that's not what he wound up doing. He was saying how we don't do very much together and yet he throws away tis opportunity. It's so hypocritical.

After I wrote my last entry, I felt myself snap out of something. I've been in and out of some kind of depression for awhile now. It feels good to not be crying and no longer thinking everyone doesn't like me. I went for a jog yesterday and it felt good.

But I know it will come back. I know this because it always comes back. Though, this is the first time I shrugged it off on my own, without talking to someone. That's a small triumph.

I have a therapy appointment on the 12th.
There is a chance I'll be feeling down again by then, so there is the comfort of help.

This never happened when I was with Brent. I didn't feel a ton of highs or lows. I felt them, but I was mostly on a plateau. I wasn't in love with him so while he could make me mad, he couldn't really hurt me. Ross can. He has that power because I love him.

After I wrote that last entry, I couldn't see how I could be bothered ever again, that's how good I felt. Now, I feel okay but I can see how I could feel bad. I wish those happy waves, those bursts of contentment would last. I always know they won't but I savour them when they come.

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<< tradition - modern >>

Thank You - 2006, June 7
The end - 2006, June 4
Canada Loves Me - 2006, May 31
In and Out - 2006, May 28
Where Have I Been? - 2006, May 25