So today I had to get up at 7, as I do every Friday. I don't overly enjoy my Fridays, they're so boring. I have Ideas and Images and then 3D design. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy 3D, it's very relaxed but it's a class that ends at 5 and for me that has come to be a little late for my liking.

Last class in Images and Ideas, I had to do a presentation->first one up too >;/ And so I walk past the class door today and I see that half the class is missing and I should have realized they would be. The second round of presentations was going again and I really didn't want to sit through them. So I walked back home and went to sleep. I slept for 4 hours. I think I over slept ^_^;; So now I'm up and should really get around to packing for reading week. I'm also gonna bring some school work home with me...*sigh* May as well, I'm gonna need something to pass the days with and that is really what reading week is for ;P

I'm not entirely loking forward to it anymore though....You see, my dad called me the other day and did the same old song and dance, "We're moving, I need to get a two bed room appartment, you can sleep in my room on visits, may have to get rid of cats, and so forth." I hate when he does that. He never asks, "Is this a good time?" Cause it wasn't. I was painting for painting class and getting in the right mood to paint takes me awhile. I have to be calm and mellow and ready to do a good job and not rush things. He absolutely ruined my painting mood and my mood in general. I am so tired of him and the hard work it is to be his daughter. Clean his house, lend him money, listen to his problems... He never listens to mine, and when he does he tries to make it sound like mine are trivial or he tries to solve the problem and gets pissed if I say I don't want that from him, just an ear. I can distinctly remember a time when my mom was still alive and had been diagnosed with cancer about half a year ago. My dad was driving me home from something and I was upset. He kept asking me what was wrong and I refused to tell him. On many other ocaasions in my short life I had told him about my feelings only to have them discreditted, "Oh, that's not a big deal." hurt, "If that's the downfall of your life then I would like to have your life cause that's nothing." belittled, "when you get older, you'll realize that your problems are nothing compared to the real world." and trampled, "get out of my face, I don't want to look at you."

Back in the day, my biggest problem was maybe that my friends were fighting and it made me uneasy and sad. If I were to mention it to him he would reply with one of the above or tell me that things like that happen, no big deal. I know he was never a young girl and doesn't understand how much things like that could upset a 12 year old but why does he always have to be so insensitive? He has lost both of his parents, I can see how hard that would be.. but the fact of the matter is, he was 40+ when he lost them. It was their time. He was no longer phyically and financially dependant on them. He had 40+ years of life and experiences behind him to help him cope. He has had the chance to get to know them better, to give back to his mother in her final years. He has the audacity to tell me that his situation is worse then mine! I was 16, for chist sake, 16. I was lost without her. I couldn't even be consoled that she was out of pain because I knew she didn't want to die. She was only 49. My dad's parents saw him move out, get a job, get married, have kids... My mother will never be at my wedding, she will never hold her grandchildren, she will never meet then man I choose to spend my life with. How could he say such a thing? Is he saying he wished his mother died when he was 16? Because there is nothing more in the world that I would have liked then to have seen my mother live a rich old life like my grandmother did.

This has turned into one big rant about my father, but I couldn't help it... he makes it so hard for me to love him. And now he is doing it again. Misery likes company, and he has made me miserable. I think he tried to do that so he won't be the only one, I really do think he does this on purpose. And telling me we may have to give up the cats. I love them so much, they are a part of my family. I lost my mom, my home and they were all that was left over from my old life, why doesn't he understand this? I have done so much for him, I have lent him quite a chunk of my inheritance and now he tells me he won't even provide me a bedroom when I visit. This man sleeps on the couch every night because he likes it, why does he need a bedroom? I think the least he could do for me is to give me a permanent place that is mine to stay in when I visit.. like every other kid has.

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Thank You - 2006, June 7
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