 |
||
| Mother of Mine 2002, May 7 - 10:30 p.m.
Last night I was feeling rather nausous (sp?) and I couldn't get to sleep. That left me feeling very worn out and drained today, especially when I was at work. Working with Dave can be terrible. He isn't frustrating like Mike is but I have to do most of the clean up when I work with him. Mike always wants out asap and rushes along, doing something of everything. As irritated as I am with him lately, I prefer working with him if I want out of work fast. The happiest balance is with Sam because she works fast (less than Mike but more than Dave) and is fun to talk to. But I was covering for her so it was one lonely shift. On an related note, I've noticed my breasts are growing again. This is very bizzarre to me because I'm 19 and they haven't grown since I was 16. I no longer fit into a bra I bought half a year ago and I am much more snug into all of my other ones. I'm not complaining, I'm fairly small so this is welcome, I'm just a tad curious as to why they are getting bigger. Mother's day is coming up. I see ads everwhere, even here on Diaryland. I have no mothers. Not a mom, not even a grandmom. There is nothing I can do for this holiday. I could go to the gravesite, but I hate going there. Her soul isn't there, if it was I'd be horrified. It's just her body and her body is what killed her. Her body betrayed her by getting cancer, I have no particular desire to go visit it. I talk to her, write to her, write about her and think about her all the time. I cater to her soul and her memory. Still, for the rest of my life, I will have no mother to celebrate on mother's Day. Perhaps a mother in law if and when I marry, but that is hardly even close to being the same. I want to become a mother some day. The the day will have meaning for me then. Often around these times I have dreams about her. They are often the ones I am able to remember the most. In those dreams she still has cancer and is going to die but she avoids me. I am always trying to find her but there is often something in my way, such as my father. If I find her, she never wants to be my mom. She always wants to spend her last bit of life alone. I always wake up missing her and for a brief moment I forget she is dead and I wonder why I can't see her. I don't know how I feel about those few seconds when she is alive in my mind again. I feel rejected and miserable, but at the same time, she is alive. That feeling is overwhelming. I kind of want to dream about her tonight. It's the only time I ever see her and it's better than nothing. Anything is better than nothing. Thank You - 2006, June 7
|
|||