I have decided not to see my father this week. It came around more as the easy way out than anything. I'm not going out of my way not to see him, it's just too difficult to get out there and add that to the visit likely being miserable. I had called him yesterday and within 2 minutes he was bitching about money and being poor. All due to his inability to budget. If I visit him, he'll ask for money or hint that I should offer money his way. No thanks. Not anymore.

Perhaps if he wasn't always calling and barking about Jamie and the fights they have and kicking him out, maybe if he wasn't always trying to guilt me, maybe if he wasn't such a miserable person to be with, I would want to go over there. But I know I'd get yelled at eventually. I'd be put in the middle of stupid arguments.

I also can't get out there without making a whole day of it. Two buses out and two buses back or one long bus ride and a lot of walking in the cold and then back again. If he owned a car or something and could pick me up, such as a normal parent would, I would see him.

But no. And I told him that this week it couldn't happen. He was angry and short with me. I'm not able to get out there and make it in time for work. He gets off at 4 and I work at five and would need to catch a bus back to work.

Should I have taken hours when it would mean I couldn't see my dad? Yeah, I think so. He's cheated me out of so much money I was counting on for school this year and I need anything I can get. I'll make $70 this week. That's a month of groceries. Or that could pay my share of the hydro, water, and gas bills for the month (That is if my stupid roommates would be more conservative.) $70 is a lot. A visit to my dad that would be a crappy way up, back and likely even during is not worth $70 to me.

My only regrets are not seeing Jamie and the cats. I love those cats. Jamie too, but he understands on a deeper level why I don't come. He would probably want me to and be angry at me for not coming... but only because Dad takes his anger out on everyone. That's probably why I feel guilty. Because of Jamie. I think he sometimes feels abandoned. Living with Dad is hard, especially when you're alone in it.

I wish he knew just how hard he makes it for people to love him. Maybe then he wouldn't be such an ass. For now though, he's not someone I would brave the cold for and it's a terrible feeling.

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