Okay... So after he left, one of our friends came over and she talked to me for a long time about everything that was on my mind: Shawn, Ross, feeling alone. And it helped. It really did.

We left in the late afternoon, Ross, the two guys and myself, and it felt bad. I had obviously been crying and miserable and I had to face these people. They did know about my cousin's death, which was helpful. But regardless it still felt humiliating, like I ruined their good time, like I rained on their fun.

The ride was awkward. I didn't feel like talking and fell asleep many times because I was so drained. They got dropped off and I had mixed emotions. I was happy to see them go so I could have more privacy for my feelings but I was also sorry because I didn't like the me they saw, the me they left off with. I can easily imagine their opinion of me, something like, "Why is Ross with a girl like that?"

The rest of the ride was silent and windy. Ross concentrated on keeping the van on the road and I merely existed in the passenger seat. I didn't want to be mad at him but I was.

After the stressful, blustery ride to K-town he was "a ball of nerves" and just wanted to rest. It didn't seem like the time to talk to him so I didn't.

In the afternoon the next day we talked. I covered everything I wrote about in my last entry and laid it out for him. It was, yet again, failed communication that had led to everything, minus the getting stoned. That was just insensitive and I said it was never acceptable to use a substance around a loved one who is in pain and needs you. You can't take yourself away like that, you can't make yourself unvailable when someone is in pain.

But otherwise, he said he never wanted to get out of coming. All he needed to hear was that I wanted him there. When he said it would be weird, he didn't mean he didn't want to go because it was weird, or that he shouldn't go. He only meant that when he did go it would feel weird for him. Hence the poor communication.

And when he said he wouldn't want me to go with him if a similar thing happened to him he said that's because he thinks he wouldn't want to be around anybody at all. If it was a family death, family would be there and he'd have to be with people.

Personally, I think he would want me there. He's never experienced a family death. But some day it will happen, hopefully no time soon, and I will see then.

The funeral and wake were hard. The wake was hideous. I hate wakes. They feel just awful. The body is there and next to it, the crying parents. I spoke to them, and to Shawn's sister. They were obviously devastated. It was so sudden. I spoke to Shawn and told him a few things I felt about him. And I sat around a lot and talked to whomever was close to me that I knew.

And I was glad to leave. It was too much.

And the funeral had parts that were agonizing, like Shawn's mom doubled over and moaning, "What am I going to do?" Every time I thought I was okay, I would look at her and not be okay. Watching someone suffer chokes you.

The funeral, though, gave some closure. There was a Catholic service for his parents and then a Buddhist service for Shawn. It was lovely. And they all painted such a beautiful and accurate picture of him and his life. It really all honoured his memory. Anyone who didn't know him would have known him by the time the funeral had ended.

He worked with people in their homes, who needed care. He worked with prisoners, teaching them how to meditate. He taught classes and was very active in the community. He gave everything away that was his before his death to "make other people happy and to keep it simple." He completed a month of silence last Winter, something all monks try to do at least once in their lives.

Apparently, his last moments were a long talk about "What is truth?" in his parents' driveway. And then after that he said he was going to have some "quality time with Mom." And he did.

His sister talked about him from her point of view and it was so beautiful. He was mischievious, giving, kind, gentle, funny and caring. She told all kinds of funny stories about him that I never knew.

I'm glad Ross was there. I felt like he had one last chance to get to know Shawn, because he really was worth knowing. His monk name was Kelsang Jampal. I told him "I'm glad I knew you." And I think everyone felt that way.

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Thank You - 2006, June 7
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In and Out - 2006, May 28
Where Have I Been? - 2006, May 25