There is so much to write about: Shawn's funeral, a fight Ross and I had, my general feelings these past few days. And they're all connected. But I just don't have the time to get into any of it now.

So why write an entry? So I can get the ball rolling on getting it all down. Because when you leave something, even for a few days, it can be challenging to start again.

So I'll start off with why Ross and I fought. I thought he didn't want to go to Shawn's services. I got the feeling he didn't need me. He smoked weed while I was upset. There was mostly some poor communication and overall it was very stressful...

See, when I asked him if he'd attend the services with me he said it would be weird. I heard that and it sounded like he didn't want to go with me or didn't think he should go with me. And that hurt because I couldn't see why he would think that. He's my boyfriend, my partner; he's my home, really. I feel like I'm home when I'm with him. So hearing that hurt.

And he said that he wouldn't want me with him if he was going through something similar. So I felt like he didn't think I would be able to make him feeling better or supported... It was a horrible feeling. What is a relationship for if not to share your life with someone, the good and the bad?

And the weed... there were people over, one was a cousin of Ross' who I had met once and the others were friends of hers I had not met at all. We had fun that night, but then Ross and I had the discussion above and in the morning we were grumpy with each other over poor communication involving breakfast. And I was still confused and bothered over the talk we had the night before.

So Ross and everyone left for what Ross said would be an hour to drop off his cousin at the bus station and came back in two and a half hours. I was watching a movie on TV and feeling rough over Shawn. We would be leaving for K-Town that day. Ross had offered a ride to the two guys I didn't know and so they would be hanging out longer and coming along for some of the ride.

That really sucked... The night time was fine but I thought they'd be all leaving in the early afternoon, not hanging around extra long.

So while I was curled up on the couch hoping these people weren't going to see me crying they all decided to go out to the balcony and get stoned. I only figureed this out when they filed past me and closed the balcony door and got out a lighter.

So basically, I was feeling really abandoned. I didn't want to be stuck grieving with these two people I barely knew while they were stoned along with my now stoned and thus unavailable boyfriend. Receiving comfort and getting what you need from someone who is either drunk or high is not helpful. It kind of trivializes your pain because the person who is talking to you or holding you is in an altered state of mind. They're buzzed or happy or less able to comrehend or whatever. And you can smell the substance on them.

So I decided to go to the bedroom and cry there rather than watch them smoke up. He came in 20 minutes later, stoned, and held me. He acted different even in the 30 seconds I talked to him. I told him to leave me. I said, "If you're stoned please just go." He was so he got up and began to leave. I said, "You're stoned so you're unavailable."

I'll finish this up later but there was the conflict all laid out.

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Thank You - 2006, June 7
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