I'll be going up to K-town later than expected. Shawn's funeral services are not until Monday and Tuesday. Sadly, this means Jamie can't make it up because of all the school work he has due on those days.

It also frees up tonight to continue with my plan to surprise Ross, something that I had been working on for over a month. Just For Laughs tickets. And I could use a laugh.

I've been feeling the grief off and on. He wasn't a big fixture in my life so I can get on with things and forget for awhile. But he always enters my thoughts again and I've been forgetful and even more absent-minded than usual. When I really let myself think about it I feel like I'm being squeezed.

And it's really scary. Everyone else who has died in my family/life has been sick. He had epilepsy and it wasn't nearly as bad as it was when he was a child. Maybe a seizure a year. And the autopsy isn't showing anything yet. We all assumed it was a bad seizure and that's what I've been telling those who have asked... but really, we don't know.

It just adds to the whole unbelievability of it. The lack of evidence for what killed him is just as strong as how impossible his death seems to me. How can someone in good health, who I saw and talked to and hugged not a month before, die in his sleep? It's almost like he had an expirary date that gave no warning and rather than go through the formalities of a disease or an accident his life simply came to a close at the end of the day.

And it brings to mind thoughts of fate I'd rather not dwell on. Do we all have an expirary date? Even if you change what you do, how you live-- if you avoid what should kill you will it even matter?

Whatever took him, though, (fate, accident, illness) felt really fucking random.

And it just re-enforces one thing that I know is true: No one is guaranteed to live until tomorrow. No one is guaranteed to be in our future and nothing guarantees we even have a future ourselves.

But those are all negative thoughts. Shawn was a peaceful person. His death isn't as important as how he lived because how he lived is why it hurts so much he's gone. So I'm going to try and continue to think about that. I'm going to think about his paece of mind and his serenity.

And I don't know what to believe about life after death except that I feel there is something. And whatever happened to Shawn, I know it had to be something good.

1 comments so far

<< tradition - modern >>

Thank You - 2006, June 7
The end - 2006, June 4
Canada Loves Me - 2006, May 31
In and Out - 2006, May 28
Where Have I Been? - 2006, May 25