I've been lax with the diary. I know I have been. And I hate these new ad banners that are running. I especially hate the girl in the thong bikini who's crouched down like she expects it in the ass any second. I see that damn photo everywhere. It's in all kinds of pop up ads.

Sooooo not sexy. It's the lamest attempt at sexy I can think of, a la trying too hard.

I had an emotional night. There is this friend of Ross's who doesn't like me because I'm shy. More or less I was told she doesn't want to have to know me or like me. Because I'm shy around her, the way I'm shy around everyone I don't know.

So basically she pre-judged me and decided I wasn't worth the time to get to know. Obviously, this hurts. I found out when she tried to get Ross to uninvite me to a party awhile ago. I was confused over why we were no longer going, asked some questions, and eventually it came out.

I was okay with it at first because from what I heard she just has this problem with her special people having significant others. But... over time, when I realized Ross hadn't talked to her about it yet and it's been sitting for months and months, I started feeling sore over it.

I just don't think it's good boyfriendship to let someone badmouth your girlfriend. I wouldn't let anyone speak ill of Ross to me, ever. I wouldn't let something like that sit, personally. I didn't even let Brent speak poorly about him.

I just, I don't know... it can't be that important on his agenda if he hasn't talked to her about it in all these months. I was in her presence today. It felt horrible to be in the room with someone who doesn't think I'm worthwhile. I'm achingly sensitive. Thin skin.

I can handle people not liking me if I do not like them either. That has happened several times. But when someone who I have never disliked, who I always thought was a cool person, despite the fact we never really connected, doesn't want to even bother getting to know me-- ouch. And this all happened after I had been able to open up some more and be more me around her.

I'm a shy person. Getting to know someone is a long process for me and it begins with getting comfortable. If there is a connection then that process is a quick and happy one. It doesn't happen often but when it does it is magnificent. Otherwise it can be a little while.

But it is not as if I'm cold. I answer quesions, I smile. I continue conversations that have been started. I just can't initiate or make jokes or feel totally relaxed at first. I don't feel that is good reason to write me off and then do something rude like try to have me uninvited to a party and speaking ill of me to my person's boyfriend. And that's rude to Ross too.

So when she was there I couldn't even look at her. There is no way I can be me around someone like that. I feel judged. I can't be inauthentic. I can't pretend to be okay with someone I am not okay with. And sadly I'm starting to not like her now. I just resent the judgement.

This hasn't been something on my mind, even, but it came up and came to a head tonight and it left me feeling down... I'm fine but yeah. Feeling judged blows.

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Thank You - 2006, June 7
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