I just finished reading Caitlin's diary and it really got me thinking. In this entry she told her long time crush how she felt. He didn't feel the same way and it made her feel horrible. It made me feel kinda bad to, a) because she feels really bad about it and b) I never did the same thing.

Yes, I admire her spunk. That is damn hard thing to do. I had a crush like that, only we were only friendly aquaintances and then we drifted apart for the most part. I have Brent now, I love Brent but I sometimes wonder how he felt about me. I have the feeling he felt something, I just don't know if that 'something' was love, lust, like, dislike, disgust or hate. I liked him from gr.8 to gr.12. I stopped around then and through OAC he wasn't a big deal to me. He was still nice to look at but I had moved on (at last.) I should have found out how he felt, I should have asked. But I'm a chicken. He was a part of a group that I did not belong with and in high school that is enough to deter almost anyone. I had other chicken friends such as Hos and Ann Marie. Had another friend that never went after guys persay as they always seemed to go after her- which would be Rock Star and then there was Wicca who always took the chance and sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. Probably she was not as clingy to her crushes as the rest of us were as she always got an answer of yes or no.

I remember a day where Wicca asked me to deliver a note to an attractive foreign man and I did and he was quite taken with her. Such is the rewards of taking some chances.

But why am I thinking about this now? I suppose because of the nature of this one particular interest. Other guys I just felt physically attracted and this one I felt a bit of a spark. A spark that to me insinuated that it wasn't all one way. But I will never know; that is what bugs me I guess. I don't want him now, as I am perfectly happy, but I wouldn't mind knowing. Maybe someday at our high school reunion I'll walk up to him and ask, "How did you feel about me when we were in school?" and then I'll know. It won't make me any happier or sad, it won't change my life or make it complete. It will just put my curious mind at ease.

I guess if someone is wondering if they should ask such a question of their crush, they should ask themselves how much it will bother them if they don't know how he or she feels. Likely, the answer is 'a lot.'

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Thank You - 2006, June 7
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