 |
||
| Lucky 2002, March 5 - 2:42 a.m.
Brent and I had a three-hour talk about our sorted past. It started out with him calling me around 11:00 out of loneliness. Brent and I used to fight a lot. He asked me out in grade 12 shortly after my mother died. I was a crazy person back then. Well, not crazy, but I was a tad messed up. I had been through a lot the previous year and was going through worse in grade 12. So knowing that a relationship would be wrong at the time, I turned him down. I liked him a lot, I saw potential long term realtionship with him.... I felt that 'at first glance' spark that told me there would be something between us. But I still said no. I would have made him miserable. I did make him miserable, but under the pretence that I wanted nothing to do with him, romantically. At least I didn't make him miserable under the the guise of a relationship. When someone who is supposed to care hurts you it feels worse. That is the only thing I can be proud of. That I had enough sense to not drag him down with me. The rest of that semester involved me messing with his emotions, blowing my emotions at him hot then cold. Being mean to him then flirting again. I was terrible. Caitlin witnessed it all. She was a brave soul. She heard more than one rant about how much I hated him. I never really did though. I liked him. I just knew that I shouldn't be with him, not at the time and after all that had been going on (him taking my 'no' very poorly and getting very scary and emotional on me), I didn't think anything ever would. I resented him for it but the feelings were still there. A girl, Julie liked him. I had the feeling he liked her too. I interfered. I flirted with him again. I told her he liked me. I was horrible. I couldn't stand the thought of them being together, not when I knew I could have him. It makes no sense, I know, but then nothing I did then made much sense. I was angry, confused and irrational. I struck out at many people, I called names, I withdrew from my friends and resented them. I felt pain at things they did that had nothing to do with me. I took it out on Brent. I ranted about it to Caitlin, who I must say took it remarkably well when I think about it. I was a bastard. A few hours ago I appologized to Brent. There is a theory that you can never truly let something go unless you are certain that the offending party completely understands how much they hurt you. He hadn't been able to let it all go. He loves me but there was always that bad history between us. I think we have put it behind us. If he's still not over it, I'll do what I can to make him understand how sorry I am. I find it hard to humble myself into an apology but no one deserves one from me more than him. He must really love me. He has seen the worst of me and loves me anyway. It is truly hard to find someone like that. I love him so much. I hope he understands what his love means to me. He makes me feel worthwhile, the fact that he loves me after all of this makes me feel like I'm not such a bad person. He's my best friend. I'm so lucky... Thank You - 2006, June 7
|
|||