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| A Social Statement 2002, April 26 - 2:12 a.m.
I got an e-mail from this guy in my Art fundamentals class. He made a big forward to everyone telling us how much fun he had with us all in the last two weeks. All the memories, all the partying, all the good times. What good times? Yeah, I wasn't really a part of that crowd. Steph joined in because this guy in the class liked her and always asked her to movies and dinner and the like. So many times I found out that everyone went out and did fun stuff after the fact and I can't help it. I feel left out. I feel like I really missed out on something. This guy said that the party was better than his prom. Party? Yeah, there was mention of a party in front of me but no one told it to me. It felt like they didn't even want to bother inviting me to come. they didn't say what day or where or what time... Nothing. Maybe I was just overlooked, but that still kinda hurts. I partly blame this on my land lady. No guests. This severely hindered my social life. I couldn't have one blessed person from my class in and I know that a lot of friendships were bonded in people's homes. I was so isolated. Secondly, I partly blame this on having a boyfriend who I had to share my time with. As my boyfriend, he deserves a substancial amount of my time. A few nights a week anyway. There were a few ocassions where I had to turn down plans because of him. I didn't overly resent him but I did a little bit. Especially after I heard how much fun everyone had. Thirdly, I blame myself. I'm shy by nature. I often don't come across as being shy, I'm quite bubbly and cute when I meet people. I want to try to make them like me. I want to come across as someone people would want to spend time with. but then... I get shy when it matters. People are going somewhere? I never suggest I go along and they never ask. I fear rejection. I don't fear it when I'm talking to people, I have enough faith in myself that I can be pleasant to talk to. I lose this faith when it comes to more than small talk. When it comes to having fun and going places. I question if anybody really wants me around and the answer is always, "Maybe not. Maybe...but maybe not." How can a person try to be a part of things when they feel so unsure? That is why I am looking forward to next year. Nine people I will be living with. That is nine people who will likely have people over who I may meet. I will meet new people and Steph may have the crew from AF9 over and I can get in touch with them again and I'll have a fresh start. My summer's resolution is to pick up my ass and get over this idea that people don't want me around. I'm sure it's true for some, but everyone? I'm sure the odds are with me. Hopefully this year coming will be more socially productive than the last. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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