So Rock Star is coming here today for a swim. The pool is 87 degrees and ripe for the swimming. We were going to go drinking tonight but it was too expensive for me and too inconvenient for her. Uncle John got the pool up and running and now this is our plan for the day. I am trying to think of a way to pick up some booze anyway. Just some.

I had a bizarre dream last night that was so real to me. I have my dream journal linked, but I think I want to add it here as well. I had a baby. I know I've had this dream before, but this one seemed beyond real. I kept trying to wake up from this dream because I felt so trapped. I kept thinking, no this has to be a dream, it can't be real. When I didn't wake up and I kept being faced with my baby, I fell into despair.

It went like this, I had brought my baby around the mall and showed her to my friends. Her name was Amyra. She was cute as a button but I was taking very good care of her. I didn't know how, really. I carried her around in my backack and she never made a cry of complaint. I breast fed her and occasionally changed her diaper. My aunt was apparently the one who was always doing it. Everything was fine, I was so in love with this child of mine until I thought about school. I knew I could no longer make it work. And then I thought about all the places I wanted to travel and all the things I wanted to do and then I thought about Brent who hadn't even seen her yet. I kept trying to wake up here, thinking, this isn't right. It couldn't have happened to me. I'm on the pill. I was racing down the stairs in my home after waking up one morning trying to see if it was just a dream and there she was and I knew I was trapped being a mom at 19.

Then I woke up. I don't think I have ever been so relieved.

As it stands, I don't think I have a good chance of becomming pregnant. I'm on the combination pill and Brent always pulls out (not that anyone really needs to know that...but 'meh.') any little sperm that might get inside me from the preejaculation fluid would likely just die off. The pill makes me more acidic inside to do just that. Not to mention there wouldn't be any egg to fertilize if by some miricle they did reach the top and go in the right tube. The pill inhibits the release of the egg. No egg, no baby. I tell this to myself every now and then to let myself know I'm ok. I guess I worry a bit. I was told that if I am worried, I shouldn't be sexually active. I was also told once or twice that if I am sexually active I should just take what I get from it.

I don't know how I feel about that. I'd agree if I was being irresponsibly sexually active, such as sleeping around and/or not using birth control but I'm in a monogomous relationship with someone I love and trust taking a couple precautions against pregnancy. If I did get pregnant, I don't believe it would be because I'm irresponsible, but simply unlucky. Why is sex considered so irresponsible? Is it my age? I'm 19, I'm a legal, consenting adult. Is it society? It seems to be commonplace to sleep with your significant other. Mine happens to be the only partner I've ever had and vice versa for him. No threat of STD's in our case when we sleep together. Is it religion? I'm catholic so technically I shouldn't be having sex til marriage, but God never said anything about it in the 10 commandments nor was it ever anything that Jesus touched on. Anyone elses' opinion found in the bible I could care less about. I don't care to be limited in what I can do, sexually with someone I love.

So back to the issue. If I take precautions, and I choose to use my body in a way that it was meant to be used with someone I am in a monogamous relationship with, am I irresponsible?

I don't think that I am. Yes, pregnancy is an endproduct of sex but it's not what sex is all about. Thus I shall continue.

Interesting what my dreams give me to think about.

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