I had a response to my reflection of Van. I was told about it before I read it and told to just not read it. I read it anyway, such is what is in my nature. The response outlined his side, the gay side, how hard it must have been for him. His problems and issues and what will be his problems and issues for his lifetime. They were all things I had immediately thought of when he first came out to me. I was reminded then of my mother who had said to me: If you were gay, it wouldn't change a thing about how much I love you. I would just be sad because I know it would be a hard life. I think then I discovered how much I really cared for him. His being gay was a big deal to me because I knew how hard life would be to him.

And then later the anger came. The anger I have already breezed through.

I felt wrong for being angry. He had just come out, it must have been difficult, it must have been emotional, it must have been trying. Who was I to feel anger with him when this was his triumph? It took over a year to come to terms with my anger. I had to admit to myself that I had been angry with him, that I had wanted to hurt back.

I felt so evil, so horrible, so unfeeling.

I had to work out why I was hurt. I had let myself understand that it was ok to feel hurt and angry. A lot of the relationship made me feel a little judged when I look back on it. He was often quick to judge me and my decision, action of past or present, my thoughts and ideas...He is also bi-polar and he never told me through the relationship. That caused me a lot of worry and anxiety because I never knew what was wrong with him when he was emotional or if it was my fault. He was also often unsatisfied with me when I tried to talk him through things. I could never tell him the right thing, he was always just moody (due to the bi-polar.) He had told me he wasn't breaking up with me and two days later he did. I felt jerked around.

He thought we could just go from relationship to being best friends. Just like that. I was hurt and furious. Could his romantic feelings towards me be so easily discarded? I lived with that for months. He said he wanted to keep our friendship journal going. He wanted to keep contact. I agreed. He never mailed it back. He just kept it and then stopped talking to me.

Yes, I know how hard it must have been for him at that time but when he gave my feelings so little consideration why do I have to ignore them as well? That was what I had to come to terms with.

Coming to terms with these feelings was hard and it made me feel like an unfeeling bitch. Now I just look back and see that my response was human.

I suppose I was also feeling abandoned. He was like a best friend. I needed him. My grandma had just died. I had lived a year with her and then she died. My dad was drinking even more to 'get over it,' his anger was swirling in more directions and landing on me. And then Van dumped me. It's just as Caitlin said once... Being dumped is like walking down a flight of stairs in the dark and missing that last step you had thought was there. The comfort and security of solid ground is gone and you're left falling for a second in thin air, your mind full of doubt, anxiety and most of all fear. That brief second is what he put me through and the pain lasted months. He yanked that stair out from under me after he had assured me it was there. I had trusted him and I had believed him.

Did he wrong me? Yes. He promised me some security, outright said he wasn't ending our relationship and then... did. And then expected me to pick up immediately and help him through his problems again. And then he left.

Yes he had things he needed to work out but he didn't have to leave me hanging like that. He made promises of commitment and then broke them and then made promises of friendship and left.

Then he shows up with news and everything is supposed to be hunky dory with me because he has worked things out for himself. He didn't really seem to give a damn that he had left me in a messy state of mind. Just because he was going through a hard time didn't mean he could hurt me blamelessly. I was going through a hard time too. Finding out that I had loved someone I could never have was just another blow. Hurray for him and his strength and his triumph but what a kick in the ass for me. I'm the closest person to me. I can't just disregard how he had made me feel...from everything.

But the point of the last entry was the say, I am over it. I have let it go. If there is any pain left in me, there will be no anger directed at him. It took a long time but I have worked it out and I would be willing to be his friend, a good friend.

What upset me was the lack of understanding in the response. I am allowed to have selfish feelings in my diary... My diary is about me. All the uncertainty and stress and jerking around he put me through and I was not supposed to feel my own anger at him? I'm human. It was difficult to come to terms with this ugly human anger but I did and that is that. It's important, it's not inappropriate and it's completely valid.

I just wish that my side of this was understood. It wa a different kind of hard, but it was still hard.

I have some of these happenings written down as they had happened from this entry and a little onward. I hadn't really dealt with the confusion or any of the negative feelings yet. It was odd looking back on them.

I regret any bad feelings these entries may generate in my readers or responders but the break up and the response both created strong, emotional feelings that needed to be written down.

Which is what a diary is for, at that.

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Thank You - 2006, June 7
The end - 2006, June 4
Canada Loves Me - 2006, May 31
In and Out - 2006, May 28
Where Have I Been? - 2006, May 25