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| Distress 2002, August 13 - 11:55 p.m.
I have just come from Brent's and I have something I want to express though I'm a little hesitant to do so... I fear that anyone who reads this will judge him as a bad boyfriend without remembering or reading the wonderful things about him... I always have a such a problem with expressing disappointment in someone I love. Particularily in this instance when it comes to sex. Some people write in their diaries and they discuss their sex lives in their full glory. Some just say they've had it and it was great or good or satisfying. Others go into detail, others brag about it, others perhaps make things up. Perhaps that's why I feel so badly about saying that sex with Brent this evening was terrible. It had been 3 weeks since our last time and perhaps that was a problem in itself. I have a certain preference when it comes to the start of sex. I need this preference followed through in order for sex to feel good. I tell Brent this but he seems to think that I'm just doing it to bother him. This time he disregards my need and does things his way. It hurts, oh God it hurts. I struggle not to cry for what feels like forever and when he's done, because I was done with it all the second I felt pain, I started to cry and I couldn't look at him. Regret always works this way. He was regretful but at the time it felt ok. Right, even because he was getting what he needed. It felt like sex with a stranger. That hurt so much. I had the exact thought enter my mind without my meaning to. "So this is what sex feels like with someone you don't love." It didn't feel like Brent, I didn't feel a connection, I didn't feel anything but pain and a sense of anger and betrayal. I was very bothered that he thought he knew my body better than I did. He seemed to think my little ritual was a nusance to him rather than something I needed. He thought that it made sex worse for him, less driven. I asked him, is that so important? That it be perfect for you in exchange for being horrible for me? What is your pleasure worth? And yet again I felt used for my body had given and recieved less than nothing. He is wonderful, Brent is. I love him. But I admit now, he is sexually selfish. My pleasure doesn't mean as much to him as his own does. I hold both in equal regard. I have no interest in sex that is not good for him. It just depresses me when bad sex happens. It's unfulfilling, it's painful and it's hard to forget about. I can't exactly put my finger on the whole problem though. We were consenting adults. I just felt that in end end I got something much different than what I was consenting to. And I didn't like it. In that one aspect of our relationship, I wish things will be drastically changed and soon. And strange as it is, for the first time, the sex felt wrong. It felt like a sin for the first time. Perhaps because there was no love felt in it. I felt like a shell of a person being fucked. I have no desire to feel that way again. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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