I keep trying to be positive but there are so many frustrating and annoying things in my life right now. I have the feeling I am a negative influence on people because of it. There is Pink who also lives in a Garbage hole but manages to be in a cheerful mood. Why can�t I?

I saw a girl I know today and seeing her put me in such an improved mood. The problem is becoming clear to me. Seeing Brandy brightens my life so much and seeing the other girl made me feel so happy. The problem is the friends I have made.

Residence and Pink are nice girls and I like them but they don�t get me. My sense of humour is not really compatible with them. What interests me doesn�t interest them, plus I know that they hang out together often and obviously enjoy each other�s company. They talk about people they mutually know in front of me. It�s beginning to get bothersome.

I don�t know� I have cried unexpectedly so many times this year. I am not getting on well at all. Last year the program was frustrating but my friends were what made it bearable. This year I feel so alone. I don�t know what is wrong with me, I�m miserable more often than anything else.

Whenever I tell them anything I feel like I�m being tolerated. They cut me off or stop listening, all good naturedly though, you see. I don�t think they�re trying to be mean, is the thing. They just don�t care too much and that is what hurts. I�m used to people caring about me, I think many of the friends I�ve made over the years do give a damn. When all my new friends don�t seem to� This sounds so ridiculous... I remember my mom.

It�s something I find I can�t help. I want to talk to her about all of this. I want her to hold me and it would help because she loves me and I need that. Not even love though, less than love would be fine. Acceptance. I feel rejected as a person.

Maybe if I were a more positive person, they would want to be around me more. I usually am positive, I just find it hard right now and it feels like every time I make an attempt to be fun to be with I am ignored or looked at in a way� that way that makes you feel like you said something wrong.

But all of this isn�t going to help me. I just need to move out. Then there will be one thing to be happy with and a better me will come and I will be more fun to be around and maybe then I�ll make some real friends.

Here�s to better days ahead..

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