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| If We were Our Successes 2002, December 19 - 1:36 a.m.
Oh what a house that has such troubles in it! My night at Dad's was interesting. It was full of jokes, arguments and typical behavior from both Dad and Jamie. Jame was a boy of few words, who had decided to tell me that he wasn't living with Dad next year but was in fact moving out. With his inheritance. As if that was what it was for. Imagine that, moving out in high school. What a load of crap. He has no idea how precious that money is, how important, what a gift it really is. Few people have such an advantage. And it's clear to me now that he intends to waste it. Dad said something profound, which was a profound occurance in itself. He was just as worried as I was that Jamie would waste the money but there wasn't anything anyone could do to stop him. He would spend it all if the choices he made weren't sensible. Then he would learn. A terrible way to learn, but no one can make his decisions for him. He can't be changed. So I am now, more so than before, the responsible one. I don't know how I feel about that. I like it on one hand. I enjoy being an adult, not only in age but to the other adults around me, but on the other hand... I want to be a kid again. I want people to worry about me and protect me. It's tiring sometimes. They know I'm strong, they know I can handle almost anything better than Jamie so I get the problems. I am the one that comes second because I will understand and Jamie will not. It's natural, I know, to cater to the more immature party, the younger party, the weaker party. I see Jamie as weaker. He can't take care of himself, I doubt he will be able to for a very long time. I connect making bad choices and an inability to take care of one's self with weakness. I have recently learned that Hos is living in an expensive apartment. Now, she and her manfriend, Drain can afford it. However, she is supposed to be saving to go back to school. She is working full time at a call centre yet $400 goes towards their $800 rent. That is ridiculous. She could easily find a one-bedroom apartment with Drain for $500 a month split between them. $250 a month! Then she could save for school. As it is now, she is not looking after her best interests and it is driving me crazy. There is nothing wrong with not going to college, if that is what you want for yourself. But she wants to go back and she is not taking the practical, sensible steps to achieve this. She will wind up marrying Drain, popping out a few kids and working at low to moderate paying (boring) jobs for the rest of her life. I wish this didn't anger me. On a deep down level I care what she does with herself. I want her to have some success. Not fool luck, but actual hard-earned success. I suppose I want to be able to respect her. The same way I want to be able to respect Jamie some day. It doesn't really look like any of those days will ever come. On a less depressing note, I found my stocking at Dad's as well as a shelf Brent made for me last Christmas. Dad had held the stocking up to Jamie and asked him if ti was his and if he wanted it. Jamie: Uh, Dad, that says 'Jen' on it. So all is well on that front. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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