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| I Want to Thank You 2003, January 7 - 12:38 p.m.
I have done it, I have moved out. No more stinky roommates for Jendra. Well, technically, my stuff is still there, but I'm hoping to move it all out by this weekend, should Father Dear help me out. I've asked him and I'm hoping to God he says yes. I have volunteered to pay for gas and to take him, and his friend with the truck, out to dinner. I want him to say yes! The people I'll be moving in with are clean, quiet and nice people. The furniture is nice and there is a cozy atmosphere to the place. The funny thing is that the one guy is someone I know and I had no idea it was him. I can't remember how we met but whenever we see each other, he points at me and goes, "Ahhhhh!" and I point back at him and go, "Ahhhhhh!" When I knocked on the door and he opened it, we pointed at each other and went, "Ahhhhhh!" So I knew it was an omen that things would go fine. I thanked God profusely before bed, I wsa so happy. But after that Brent wanted to have sex. I just couldn't. I haven't felt like it in a long time. We turned away from each other mad and stayed that way for awhile. I asked him to turn back over and we talked. I tried to explain that it wasn't him. It was upsetting that he didn't get it. I didn't know how to tell him everything, I wasn't sure how to express my reasons. I soon broke down. Brent had turned away from me again after I told him how alone I felt. It was kind of a last straw. He held me and asked me what was wrong. I let it out and for a bit it didn't make any sense. Every day is hard, I take it all one day at a time because it's so hard. I am a burden to my own Dad, I can't even rely on him to help me out with moving at all, I'm a burden to my Aunt Debbie, who has gone through so much garbage because of me. I'm a burden on my Aunt Anne-Marie and Uncle John because I'm not even theirs and they have taken me in. I'm a burden to everyone because I don't have my mother and she is the one who would make me feel better. Only she's dead. Nothing ever goes my way and when it finally does, there will be a whole new set of complications and I'll be completely alone in dealing with them because I am a burden. That is essentially what came out. I then explained to him that I didn't want this problem with sex to be yet another thing to deal with and I didn't want to be a burden to him, where he wouldn't get anything out of the relationship. He hugged me and made me feel better. He told me that he did get something out of the relationship and that was me. I'm lucky to have such a sweet person in my life. In the end, I told him I needed him to re-introduce me to sex slow, so that there is no pressure. Just for him to touch and love me and be affectionate without it having to lead to more. Then I think I'll be ready to try again. I know it's supposed to be a stress reliever, but when you are stressed, you just can't do it. Life is funny like that. I slept well after our talk. I love him. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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