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| Perfect 2003, February 13 - 11:28 a.m.
I'm feeling lost. Kind of like I'm lost in life. I've been thinking about my future and I have the sinking feeling that I won't have one; at least not a good one. I also have only one more summer back in K-town before I'm off on my own. I can't very well live of my Aunt's good graces after college. It's career time, it's independence time. It's potentially living with Brent who plans on being a student for four more years, who probably wants to continue to go home each summer as long as he's in school but can't. Yeah. University or no, if he's going to live with me, he can't be going home each summer, leaving me for four months. I simply wouldn't date such a person who would do that. But it concerns me. Is Brent ready for this? Furthermore, is he ready for life with me? I get the impression sometimes that he wishes he had of dated around before he met me, and experienced more girls and love. If we wind up making a life time commitment, which could very well happen, that's it for him. I'm it. I have had three other boyfriends but I'm fairly inexperienced myself. My first boyfriend was a two month deal with an ugly guy I wasn't fond of because of the 'why not' feelings I harboured at the time. My second boyfriend was barely such because we were no more than friends for the minimal time we were floating around and pre-dating and the week that it was official ended uneventfully. My third boyfriend was a more romantic and emotional experience and he could have been my first love, given time and less distance between us. But it ended after four months and as it turns out, he was gay. So he was never really an option. And then there was a small fling I had with a neighbour that ended quickly because I was sexually inexperienced and no particular wish to jump into anything. Brent is my first love, the bearer of my virginity and my longest and most serious relationship. I don't want to leave him or what we have but I keep wondering, is this ok? Should I look around first before making a big decision? But then... if I were to look around, it isn't as though I could come back to him later, should I choose and say, "Done! Let's be together now." I don't even want to look around. It's more a matter of exploring my choices and my feelings and being satisfied that Brent is it for me. But I could never do that. Ending it is ending it. Being with him, loving him, having him and being happy with him means living with a certain amount of regret. Is this what so many people live with? Is this what so many people discover? Just because you're in love, it doesn't mean that regrets are erased and your love will be perfect? I think I can live with that. I think that perhaps people these days believe they can have it all. I also think I have fallen in to that a bit. I love Brent and I think instead of wanting it all I'll want all he can give me. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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