 |
||
| Scared by Life 2003, March 9 - 4:50 p.m.
Six more weeks until the school year is over. Isn't that wild? After that, I have one more year until I'm finished school. I'm having one of those moments when I wonder what it's all for. Not in a depressing way per say, but after school it's time to work and start a career. And marriage and kids. House and trips and then grandkids and retirement and then death. Now, sure it's all so far away. But not the career part. That's very soon and it's coming after I've spent almost my entire life in a school of some sort. then marriage. After being told so many times that I'm too young to do/understand/go/have whatever, these things are looking me in the face and I suddenly become aware, I am old enough. There is nothing I can't do now because of my age. And time goes by so fast. I visited my grampie and his ladyfriend, Wilma over my break. I mentioned how fast time goes and Wilma told me it will only go faster as I get older. How true that must be. I wonder how it feels to be old. To see your hands with veins visibly under thin, wrinkled skin and knowing that they can't be your hands, they are what your grandmother's hands looked like. I don't fear getting old. I fear getting older. There is a difference. To be old and to become old. I don't much like change. There are so many more stages of life ahead of me and I don't think I'm up for any of them yet. For instance, If this were 40 years into the future and I was 60, I would have retirement ahead of me and grandkids. That seems like a slow paced, happy time of life. But... if it were 10 year into the future, there would likely be a mariage, kids, house, job and lord knows what else. And each thing has complications that I still would be relatively new to and nothing would be even remotely static. Not even my body. I've finally gotten used to it now at the age of 20. I have one decade now before it slowly starts to lose to gravity. Plus pregnancy; that kicks your body's ass. How about 5 years into the future? Planning my wedding perhaps? Recently married? All of that is still ahead of me, and that's if I choose one way of life. There is still the possibility I could remain single. What about travel? And all this comes after I graduate. I know what I'll be doing next year. I'll be in school. But year after next? Life frightens me. I get nervous. I'm scared that my employers will see me as a fraud. A child in an adult's body who doesn't belong. It sometimes strikes me as amazing that I even made it to 20. I think I feel like I'm 20. I don't even know. Thank You - 2006, June 7
|
|||