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| Choices 2003, April 14 - 11:25 p.m.
I just had this fight with Brent. It was stupid but I got so angry. When I'm mad, I rant. I rant to people I feel comfortable with and I start yelling all the things I want to say to the person/people who make me angry, only I yell them to the person who is listening. I don't consider this yelling at but yelling to. Usually by the end of my rant, I try to make stupid jokes about the person to lighten things up. My friends tend to find this entertaining/amusing or something... I don't know. But he gets offended. Now the thing I don't understand is this: Why does it only bother him now? I have always been like this; for the 2 and a half years we've been dating I've been like this. It's nothing new. But now suddenly my let it flow and get it go anger philosophy no longer feels good to him and he wants me to hold it in. I don't do that. I hold it in, I explode later when it's inappropriate. I have a terrible temper and I've learned to deal with it by blowing up immediately and then simmering down quickly. It's fairly painless anger management. Brent says I'm 'always hostile.' I think that's really harsh. I'm not. I'm personable, I'm cheerful, I'm fun. My anger may pop up during the day but it's a few minutes out of 24 hours. And usually, it has nothing to do with Brent at all. He's tried to pull a Dr. Phil on me: How fun do you think you are right now? Well, I don't think it's my job to be fun at all times. I'm a human being with emotions and I don't have a problem expressing them in a quick and dirty way. I don't feel understood. I don't feel accepted. So many things he does drive me crazy. I deal with them, I love him in spite of them. What does he want from me? I'm not going to change something that is working so well for my mental health and peace of mind. I left the option open for him to spend the night with me or stay home. We'll see what he chooses. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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