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| On Dreams 2003, May 4 - 12:57 a.m.
I've been thinking about my future. And Brent's. I have been wondering if our life goals and plans are compatable. Not that I'm considering breaking up with him, I did just get an apartment with him for next year. Ending the relationship now would be kind of foolish, eh? But he wants to go on to do further education and get his degree in business. I'm supportive of this because it's what he wants but... that's another two years if he goes to school in Toronto. Many universities link with Sheridan. His diploma would count a lot towards a degree. That means two more years in Toronto when frankly, I'm tired of it and it's expensiveness and noisiness and everything. I want to live in Ottawa. Ottawa, so close to K-town, my family and friends and everything that is wonderful and familiar about my hometown. But it's not my hometown where there are few journalism oportunities for me. But I could stand two more years in Toronto, so long as it is only two more years. But I would be out of school and working. Could I really find a job and then leave in two years? Maybe. Maybe not. And if Brent wants a degree in something different. That's four more years. Four. I will not do four more years in Toronto, Brent knows this. But even in Ottawa, I would be living four more years as someone in the workforce with a student; a starving, occupied student whose day does not end when he leaves the building. It's a lot to take in. It's also a little scary. I'm also limited to whatever city he does choose, whether there are jobs for me or not. I feel so inadequate and so unhireable. I feel like I'm damned just a little. Not necessarily because of Brent at all but because I feel trapped by his choices and my own inadequecy to make do with those choices. Sometimes I think well let's say I become a cartoonist like I've always dreamed or I finish my novel and publish it? Then it doesn't matter. But I can't plan on dreams. Oh I wish I could plan on dreams. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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