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| A Sense of Purpose 2003, June 11 - 8:58 p.m.
Today was my day off. I have had several of these lately but today was one of the few where I get to stay home, talk on the phone, get some writing done and just relax. I'm still writing my fantasy story. I've gotten to 13,000 words which is a personal best in length. I think I've found my genre. I enjoy creating a culture and world for my characters to exist in, I find it easier and much more fun than trying to manipulate the real world. I know I said I would wait until I was finished or quitting before I mentioned anything here, but I feel so good about my story that I had to update my progress. I suppose I was afraid I would jinx my chances of completing it. I have been thinking a lot about my future, and writing seems possible for me. I don't know if I even have any business writing at all, but at the same time it feels so natural. Drawing used to give me the same feeling. Drawing now has become a side hobby, something I do so that I won't lose what skill I have. But writing is a constant in my life, even if I'm just writing in a journal, I'm releasing a need I have to put into words what I think and feel. Even when I was in Art Fundamentals, I would put off my visual art and write in my journal instead. My regular multiple updates became a sign to me that I was escaping into writing to avoid art. Art used to be so important to me, it used to be what I envisioned as my future. In a way, I still see it as having a place in my life, but as a cartoonist. I have two dreams. Becoming a cartoonist and becoming a professional writer. Not just a writer, but an author of a book that is worth reading. If I manage to write such a book now, will that make me happy? Would it become what it was meant to be in this stage of my expertise and life experience? Am I too naive to be writing seriously right now? It's very hard for me to tell. I've never been as old or wise in my life than I am this minute, but then, I'm just 20 so that is saying so very little. I suppose I could write my book, look back on myself in 10 years and laugh at my presumption that I could write at all. But under all of this self criticism, there is a voice inside that tells me that I will do it, I will do it well and I will be able to claim fame. Fame is really what I would like. I feel certain I will get there, when I listen to that little voice, it's just a matter of which course in life I will take. I suppose the support of those around me helps me keep this voice talking. Between my mother always saying I was talented growing up, my friends telling me I'm talented and my friends' parents, such as Ella's, passing along the message, "You keep in contact with that Jendra, she's going to make it." I think I can keep a certain level of faith in myself. I wonder if I would stay so motivated without all of this encouragement? The thought of not succeeding artistically scares me. I think I would lose a sense of purpose. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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