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| This is the way God made me 2003, September 22 - 12:50 a.m.
I am having a hell of a time with my archives. Right now, my older and older13 aren't working so if anyone is curious as to why, the answer is diaryland problems. I've been communicating with a tech to fix it but on the plus side, he got my private entries folder up and running. I put a link to it in the extras area because I couldn't get a way to incorporate it into my design. *sigh* But, away from Diaryland... I went to The Clothing Show yesterday with Res and a couple of her friends. I had a good time, the show was pretty neat but it seems I have really expensive taste. I found this gorgeous coat that was originally $300...half off. Great deal, if I were willing to spend $150. There was an amazing skirt for $60 and another one for $80. Cripes. Meanwhile there were all sorts of clothing for $5, $10, $15... Go figure. I took some of the girls to Just Desserts, my favorite place to eat. It's this sweet restaurant with a great atmosphere and yummy food. They liked it and I had the satisfaction of sharing something nice with someone else. I also wound up going to a party at Res' place. It was kind of spur of the moment. The odd thing was that it was discussed and planned and whatnot for an hour and a half before I was invited to go. I felt really out of place for that hour and a half. The whole time I kept wondering if they were intentionally not inviting me or if it was an intimate gathering where I wouldn't be welcome or who knows what. But when Res and a couple of her friends were walking me home, Res asked me what I was up to. That lead to an invitation and I went. Brent came later and truthfully I had fun. I did. But in the back of my mind I knew I didn't belong there. Not really. They were all nice people but I wasn't one of them. And I'm ok with that. I don't click with many people, not at all. It has bothered me in the past but it doesn't bother me so much now. When I do click with someone it feels unbelievable, it feels natural in a way that makes me feel that so many other interactions in my life are unimportant. The three people in my life that I truly connect with are Caitlin, Ella and Catholic. Those are the three people I never have small talk with, ever. No matter how long it's been since we last spoke, we pick up just where we left off. That is a friend to me. They aren't eager to tell me about themselves and then move on, they care about me. I can feel that they care about me, even now writing this by myself. It takes a long time to form these friendships. Years, several experiences, and and many confidences. Effort, plenty of effort that feels effortless by it's very nature. I don't have that with anyone in school, though with Little Mel, I could see it forming, given enough time. Is that what it is with me? I take my time with friendships; always taking my time to get to know people, trust them and learn about them, and then only if I feel like there could be a connection. I don't usually jump into friendships. I notice though that a lot of girls do. On the second, third day of school maybe, I'd see them huddled and giggling and wonder how they did it. I see how now. They speed intimacy. Not that it's a bad thing to do, but simply something I am incapable of. And I am ok with it. It's who I am. I mentioned a while back that I am an INFJ. I took the test several years ago and it's just me. And it's ok. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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