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| Right Now... 2003, November 15 - 12:56 p.m.
I don't feel particularily happy. Not right now anyway. Brent and I are having some problems that are coming to light more and more. Our personalities are clashing. In small ways mostly, but they are clashing all the same. He always wants to go out and do something and it has to be big. We can't just go see a movie here in town, we have to go to Toronto. And then we need to have dinner and maybe go to a museum and then call people to come over when we get home. This is his ideal and it never winds up happening like that. I never have the energy to do all these things. To be honest, it sometimes feels like he is taking all my energy away. He is passive aggressive and sarcastic when he's angry. He has a slight whine in his voice when things don't go his way right now. He gets mad so easily and then he goes into a funk about how I get to do fun things but he doesn't so I am denying him fun. He is so dependant on me to have a good time that it is quickly becoming very irksome. It is a partial truth that I have fun without him. I have more fun sometimes when he isn't there. He's so pushy with what he wants to do. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of preparing to hear it. Every Saturday just has to be spent getting up, getting ready and going out. I'm a bit of a home body. Sometimes I just like to watch movies in my pajamas. Or... there is the possibility that I just do this to get to him. Or something. I miss girlfriends. I miss going out with girls and doing girl things and talking about girl stuff. All my time is being spent with Brent. That one big reason I'm looking forward to New York. I get to be free of all this for four glorious days. I get to experience something without him. I get to decide what to do with other people who won't be hanging on me to make decisions. For awhile, I was able to tell myself that maybe he and I were getting better. Maybe he and I were going to be fine. That doesn't seem to be the case. I can feel us growing apart. I think if we're careful, we can keep our friendship. But we still have five and a half months left of living together. 3 weeks will be spent at home in K-town during Christmas, another week for reading week will also be spent apart. On the surface, I feel irritated. Under it all though, it's very sad. There was a time we thought we would get married and have kids. But I was never in love. I never thought about being in love, either. It never occured to me. I really want that feeling. I wish I had it now. But that's the difference between Brent and I. I know there are simply some things I can't have right now. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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