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| The Extra Night 2004, October 3 - 5:04 p.m.
Ross just left. Even when he's been here all week, I hate when he leaves. I can never seem to spend too much time with him. Last night, when I was suppposed to get him out of my apartment, via taking his wheelchair down the stairs for him, he said, "If you asked me to spend another night, I would." He had plans to go see his cousin in St. Catherines. Though he'd get there at 1 am, and staying the night would make sense, I didn't want to ask him to do it. I hate the thought of strong arming his life. So I said to him, "If you asked to stay, I'd let you." And we laughed. We both knew he was staying but somehow the formality had to occur. He wouldn't invite himself over and I wouldn't ask him to change his plans. We love each other in such considerate and passive ways sometimes. I caved and asked him to stay. He did. We spent the whole night talking again, just like we did months ago when we first met. I can't remember what we talked about but it was very important because every conversation with him that I avoid sleep for is important. It's intimacy. It's comfortable and warm and when he randomly kisses the top of my head or my shoulder or hands, it's filling. I never used to like going on top for sex, but with him there is no other choice. I've come to love it. I love looking down to him as he touches me. And last night I heard him say, just under his breath, "so beautiful..." And it was the most wonderful thing I've ever heard. It means he was there in the moment with me. Not feeling it physically, but he was there. Sometimes I watch him sleep. He has the most beautiful face I've ever seen. I often wake up to him watching me. And then he'll kiss me or hold me and we'll both go back to sleep. When I start working, I'll have less time with him... which is normal. Who ever gets as much time together as the two of us get? But for him to stay a few days longer than a weekend, he'd be trapped in my apartment all day while I was gone. My kingdom for an elevator in this building. And then when he leaves for Ottawa to try out for the sledge hockey team there, he'll be practising a lot. Being on a team can be a lot of time and comittment. While he feels he can travel the distance to see me because he doesn't have to work, I know that his new comittments will hold him back from doing so many times. And so I get sad sometimes when I see him or hold him and know that this harmony is temporary. That I'm going to miss him horribly in the months to come as hockey try outs get closer and closer. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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