So Ross and Ella have been planning a birthday party for me. It's a nice feeling. No one has ever really put any effort forth on my birthday before so this makes me feel good. Though, I don't know who will come. There is Ella and Helena, Ross and Caitlin. Catholic lives in Ottawa and I'd love if she came, but who knows if she could get off work. Retail has irregular hours and she may work on the weekend/Friday, when my birthday is.

There is also Steph and Mary but they only know me. Would they want to come? I didn't give Ella their names or numbers because I wasn't sure. They're in Oakville and they'd have to spend the night in the city. But where? In my living room? Hrmm...

Well, either way, I'm excited. I don't need anything amazing or big in the way of a party, just something thoughtful.

I've been working at getting over my weird feeling about my birthday too. I hate asking people to plan things for me but Ella helped me talk through that.

Brent was good about my birthday in that he never forgot it, always got me a present and did something small like breakfast in bed or inviting a friend over. But one year, our last year I asked him to plan something for me. That request was met with a lot resisitance and irritation. In the end he arranged for a friend of mine and some people that frankly she was closer to than I was, to come and meet us for sushi. He then intentionally made me suspicious and soon after spilled the beans.

No real party or plans or anything. Just people at a restaurant. No one was free to do anything after dinner either, so it seemed he picked a day everyone was busy. Basically he made little effort on my behalf. even the gift was unthoughtful. Random Star Trek TNG DVD.

My dad tends to ignore my birthday. He has a histry of having my brother call me to say happy birthday for him, taking me to bars he frequents in the afternoon so we can drink in "celebration," not getting me a present until goaded into it and so forth.

It just makes you feel like you're not worth the effort or that you don't have the right to ask for effort or that if you do, you'll only feel hurt and disappointed.

But Ella and Ross wouldn't do that. So I've been trying to be open to my birthday and the knowledge that I have people I love doing a little something for me. I'm finally kinda jazzed about my birthday.

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