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| Cold Shoulder 2005, August 18 - 9:22 p.m.
When I went up for Poppie's funeral I didn't see my dad. I didn't know if I had the time and frankly I wasn't up to a social visit. I just wanted to either help my family or do nothing. He has been mad at me and I've been getting the cold shoulder. I called him to say Ross and I will be at Aunt Anne-Marie's on Sunday shortly before we start our trip and he was cold to me. This is stupid. I wrote him an e-mail which I believe he'll read tomorrow. Being 49, 59, 69 or any other age does not account for maturity in my eyes when said 49 year old throws tantrums on the phone and then hangs up on someone he loves, who happens to be handling the death of her grandfather. That is not the behaviour of grown man. That kind of behaviour does not induce me to visit. I wouldn't visit anyone who spoke to me so horribly during such a hard time. I had no idea what was happening and I couldn't make any plans. I tried to tell you but you began yelling at me. Bad form, Dad. That was not to say that if time came up I wouldn't come see you but you were already finished listening to me before I could even get to that part. And I saw you only two weeks ago. It wasn't as if I hadn't made time to visit recently. Consider that Poppie dying didn't make me feel like visiting. Consider that I wanted to spend time with family I rarely get to see. Consider that this was the first time I had seen them all together... probably since my mom died. Consider that my personal reactions to my Poppie's death were my own natural feelings and I wanted to stay where I knew I'd be needed. And also consider that other people's opinions of what I do are irrelevant to me. (Namely, anyone who you spoke to that I do not know or care about. Frankly, I don't make my decisions based on what I think your friends at the bar will think.) And you have your own incredibly bad history with me that I don't make you try to justify. And yet despite it all, I forgive you and have moved on. If you can't get past this silliness than I find that ridiculous. I wasn't down for a social call, I was down for what proved to be an incredibly emotionally draining three days. Rather than your anger and resentment, what I needed was fatherly support. I needed your understanding. I needed you to understand and you didn't and you won't because you won't see any other perspective but your own or anyone else willing to agree with you. It's so hurtful to know that your own dad will withdraw love and affection from you anytime you do something he doesn't like. It doesn't feel good and it doesn't make me want to visit because I know that all I would receieve is the cold shoulder. I may not be 49 but I'm 22 and I know that you treat family members you love with more warmth and understanding and compassion than that. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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