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| Rods 2005, September 22 - 10:20 a.m.
I've been feeling off today. And yesterday and the day before that. Just out of sorts. Part of it has just been that I haven't been feeling well. It's been IBS related. It's the gift that keeps on giving. I've been nervous. See, a job opportunity has come up. It's a PR job in the building and I am fairly qualified for it. I've had a particular interest in PR for awhile now, though I've been focusing more on magazine work... I have until September 30 to apply. I have to do it. I have to. It's not that I'm unhappy in my job, it's that I'm not happy either. The people are nice and the hours are fine and so is the pay but I only exist here. I'm not being challenged nor am I being creative. I'm wilting. And the thought of changing jobs unnerves me because I can be a little loathe to change sometimes. Ross suggested I have an inferiority complex, which while I don't think is entirely true, I can see part of that in me. I'm afraid of getting it and sucking. Isn't that stupid? They can hire me and decide if I'm any good to them so all I could do, were I to get this job, is to do my best. But yet I'm afraid. And I had horrible abdominal pain all day yesterday and I think that's why. But I'm going to apply by Friday. I will do it. Last night Ross told me he had come to the conclusion that he needed to have rods put in his back soon. He's uncomfortable all the time and his spinal cord is getting worse and more curved. He's scared about it and I want to make everything better for him and I can't. He doesn't talk about it much. He doesn't talk about things that are upsetting or scary because he doesn't want to deal with it until it comes. I don't want him to have to give up more mobility. I don't want to see him in pain or discouraged. And I know so little about this surgery. I know rods go in and straighten the spine. I don't know how much it will affect his life/mobility for the better or the worse. I don't know how long it will take him to recover. I don't know how it will make him feel. And he doesn't have the answers and I don't know how to get them other than to wait until he sees his doctor and, hopefully, asks all the questions he and I have. We talked about having kids someday. Like, when we're 28. He talked about fathering my children and it warmed me with this comfortable, loving feeling. I can't imagine my life without him. It's been only a little over a year and this is what I know. I just know. I can feel it when I'm with him and when we're apart and when we're talking, cuddling, making love, fighting, watching a movie, teasing each other and all the time. And it hurts me to think of him being in pain. And for all that I can reason that had he not been in that accident he would have lead a different life, become a different person, walked another path, and likely would not have met me as the same person or single or even at all... for all the grief has has to endure, and so patiently too... Even though I love him as he is, in spite of and because of everything about him, I can't help but wish he had a regular body. His disability doesn't matter at all to me but his body fails him. I really wish he didn't have to go through yet another unhappy process.
Thank You - 2006, June 7
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