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| The Devil In Me 2005, October 6 - 11:17 a.m.
In the late hours of the night leading to the early hours of the morning Ross and I reached a state of peace. Through the monster that is PMS I managed to talk to him as a person and he was able to let go of some stubborn defensiveness and all became well. We disected it down to a simple failure to communicate that more or less was Ross not listening as well as he could and me not looking for him elsewhere in the 11th hour. I had this rage built up inside me and I felt like if I didn't keep fighting I would explode. After the fight was exhausted and we were even more so I was still mad because I couldn't stop feeling like el crapo. I did my best to explain to him the nature of PMS. I understood exactly what was happening to me, I was just powerless to stop. I mean, we all have the power to stop what we're doing but it when holding in your anger feels like holding your breath eventually something inside wants to explode and you have to submit to it. I told him that when girls are PMSing they tell their girl friends and it's all hunky dorey and understood. She's cranky because she's hormonal. It's temporary and we'll be sensitive if not merely non-adversarial. In simple words, if I feel this way he cannot win. Anything. If he feels strongly about something I disagree with during that time he should leave it alone and come back and discuss it with me when I'm feeling more sane. If it's not important, for the love of God let it go. I take my pills in a way that I only get my period every three cycles. I do this because I hate myself when I'm pre-menstrual. I'd get away from me if I could but I'm stuck crying and angry for days. In this case my hormones had me by my balls, so to speak, for weeks with crazy breakthrough bleeding. Well, he got the point at last. I was able to calm down in an hour or so... My period arrived this morning and now I can get on with it. My mind always feels better once it starts but then my body takes over feeling like shite. It's a devilish thing to be a woman. We all deserve medals. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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