So, my university courses begin in January. I'm going to take one course to begin with and I'll see how much time/effort it takes on a weekly basis. If possible, eventually I'd like to do two courses at a time. But one thing at a time.

I'm feeling optimistic. And it will be nice to challenge my mind again and learn things. I think I like having something to work on.

My birthday is coming up really soon: 11 days! I always look forward to my birthday. I always like to celebrate it. Secretly, I've always wanted a surprise party. Somehow though, I don't think that will ever happen. It's probably more likely to happen for someone who would let their birthday slide, not someone who stays on the ball and plans her own party.

23 years old... It makes me think about what I want to do with my life. At least, what I want to do with my 20s. I want to have a child by the time I'm 28. I don't want to get pregnant/have kids right after I get married. I'd want some time to just be married and childless. So I want to be married by the time I'm 25. I want to travel more before I have kids. I want to complete my degree too.

Anything else would be a bonus. Those are the big things I want to do with my 20s: travel, complete my degree, get married and have a child.

And I try not to think I could plan my life out by the age. Obviously I can't. Shit happens. Obstacles and whatnot. But still. I think it's good to have an outline in my head and to know what I want.

Le sigh... little has been happening. Very little. And though I wish something would happen, I'm also aware I was bored awhile ago too and then Shawn died. So you can't always hope for something to happen because not everything that can happen will be desirable. And yet I'm bored.

Ross and I have been arguing a bit. Not about us but we are sooo different. We think different. And so when I start to talk about something I'm thinking about I find out very quickly that he thinks entirely differently. And if he doesn't, then he plays devil's advocate. And that can be very frustrating.

We talked about one big thing. I said I could never be dependent on someone else. I was raised to always take care of myself. Ross, on the other hand, said he didn't see anything wrong wtih letting someone take care of him if that was something a person wanted to do.

He said he couldn't understand someone wanting to go to work if they had children and that if he had kids, he would want to stay at home with them. I found that very nice. However, I know that I need to work. I need to. Raising children is important, yes, but I personally would want to be in the workforce as well as be a mother.

I don't know... we were just on all opposite sides of the discussion of hypothetical situations. Though, in a sense, we were on the same side. If, perchance, we did have kids together he would want to stay home and I could work. Nothing about that is contrary. He wouldn't be dependent on me at all and I could still provide for myself. Again, nothing is wrong there.

I really don't know why we were adversarial. I mean, we want to do different things but these things could mesh together.

And a part of me, though I hate to admit it, wants to be taken care of. A part of me doesn't want to work. A part of me wants a man I can rely on... (Frankly, it would be nice to experience that since the last time I had to rely on the man in my life didn't go so well) And it feels wrong to feel that way. A modern woman isn't supposed to want those things.

The power of having the choice exists and yet a woman is supposed to only feel good about making a certain kind of choice. She is supposed to be independent and working and if she quits that sphere and stays home with kids, it's like she isn't a feminist anymore, even though her foremothers fought for her to have the option. And then the stay-at-home mom feels like she has to defend herself to the point that she tells other women that if they work it is they who are making the mistake, it is they who are being selfish.

I'm not even a mother yet and I struggle with the option because I feel like I'm not supposed to want certain things. I want what I want because I was raised to want to work. I want it because I want to exercise the option. I want it... I don't know why else. Maybe because it's acceptable.

I've had to defend myself for wanting to work at a bridal magazine. If I were to say I wanted to write for The Globe And Mail, certainly no one would ask me, "But, why?" But, because it's about weddings or maybe because it's a woman's magazine or perhaps a feminist isn't supposed to believe in marriage, I don't know, I get questioned on it. I loathe defending my goals and preferences to others.

And this whole thing is what started the conversation I had with Ross. Just how as a woman you are supposed to have all these choices but somehow you're made to feel that there are some choices you just should not make or want to make.

So let me outline what I want, ideally, without those ingrained teachings telling me what I should want, without worrying about what other people (women mostly) would say to me. I want to work at a bridal magazine. I want to finish my novel. I want to get married by the time I'm 25. I want to have a child when I'm 28. I want to feel free to stay at home or work part time at will. If I don't want to work and it's financially feasable to stay at home, I want to feel comfortable being taken care of. I want to raise my children in the sort of revised Catholic way I was raised and I don't want any grief about it. And I don't want any grief about not wanting a big career.

Because I don't. Not really. I just want to be happy doing whatever it is I do with my day.

And isn't that what choice is really all about?

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