He didn't come. I had a feeling that if he stopped in Lindsay he would be staying there and that's exactly what happened. I was a little taken aback he didn't even head out until 6:00 because he knew the storm was coming/here and an early start could have made all the difference. But I wasn't surprised. He takes his time, procrastinates and generally heads out on the road when he feels like it, rather than when he needs to in order to get somewhere on time.

I know once he got out on the road he tried his best and the roads were too bad and too dangerous, but I didn't feel like he really tried his best because that would have entailed getting an earlier start to increase the likihood of getting here. Maybe there were circumstances that prevented him from leaving at a better time. But he didn't tell me.

I really needed him. I really, really did and I felt very let down. I didn't want him to get into an accident so I understand his decision to stay in Lindsay. I just don't appreciate his decision to wait until the storm was in full swing to leave when he knew far in advance that it was coming.

Not that my sleeping problems are his fault, but I expressed my need to him and he said he understood. And I did extra running around in the storm to accomodate him when he got here. Had I known he wasn't coming I could have saved myself a lot of grief, at least.

See, I was going to be caring for a friend's new kitten while she was away. So, I had to meet her at the bus station to gets her keys. Then her girlfriend had to take me back to the apartment to make sure I could get in because the lock is tricky.

Before I knew about plans to meet at the bus station and then go straight to the apartment, I had asked Ross to let me know by phone if he was coming or not. He was calling my place at 6:00. There was no land line at my friend's apartment. So to get the call and the information I needed I had to go back home. He said he was about to get on his way over. It was 6:00.

So I said I would be at my friend's from 8:00 to 10:00 and if he didn't arrive there I would go to his place (I had his keys) and he could meet me there.

Had I not been expecting him I would have stayed at my friend's until 7:30 when I got there initially and then just gone home. No muss, no fuss, less slush.

So at my friend's place, 10:00 came and he didn't show up so I went to his place where I immediately got a phone call saying he wasn't coming. I was pretty upset. I couldn't face any more blowing snow and slush and getting wet and cold. I had already made more trips out than I had wanted to. So I stayed there.

I was pretty sleep deprived and that only makes me more anxious at night. I was alert until at least 3:00 am, despite feeling worn-out, beat, exhausted, zombie-like. I kept seeing things in the corner of my eye that weren't really there. I heard things in my head that weren't, from what I could tell, coming from an outside source. Closing my eyes felt unsafe. I constantly forced them open to prove to myself I was alone. I cried periodically through the night from fear and frustration.

I got a maximum of four hours of poor quality sleep.

Even after my coffee this morning I feel like a dead woman. I haven't really ever talked about my sleep anxiety before, mostly because it's always been this way for me and I'm so used to it it hardly feels worthy of mention. But it has been escalating.

Part of it, I think, has to do with sudden changes. I prepared for two days alone at night, not four. I always need to know how long to expect to be alone at night. Suddenly facing the night alone is not a mere inconvience for me. It's a problem.

There were two years with Brent where I had someone to sleep next to every night. It didn't feel as amazing and safe as sleeping next to Ross but it got me sleep. Then after the breakup, the apartment was new and not hard to sleep in yet. It's weird how that works but that's how it is. Then later after my internship was done with I was able to stay up really late, pass out and sleep mostly during the morning.

God... Ross thinks I should see a doctor. Maybe. I just need to not be afraid at night. Can a doctor make me not afraid? I'm not feeling so good about "talking" to someone. That stuff costs money I don't really have. Plus, I am sure that won't work. I don't know, next time I see my doctor, I'll say something and ask for help. She's a resident doctor, almost like a student, so I doubt she can help me. But who knows.

I must sleep tonight or I will lose my mind.

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