Ross and I had a talk last night, a long one. He had mentioned awhile ago that I had certain issues but it wasn't the time to talk about it. Last night I asked him before we went to bed. Not the greatest time but whatever.

He said I had abandonment issues. I don't know if I do or if I don't. I know that while I don't hold back from loving him, and I don't have issues with getting intimate with someone, I do feel a lot of anxiety. Love causes me anxiety.

His theory is that because my mom died and my dad was unpredictable and frequently kicking me out in the years afterwards I have developed issues with being abandoned. He sited some of those factors and things I have said or did or felt as examples.

It was weird, like stirring the pot inside of me. Like soup that had settled into a still, separated state and then was suddenly cloudy again. It hurt. Somewhere inside me I know there is some truth to what he's saying. He wants to go on trips for five weeks at a time and I know that would kill me. An over-reaction or an exaggeration maybe? Perhaps. But that is the first feeling that comes to mind. It would kill me.

So obviously I do have some sort of problem. I would like to not feel that bad but it consumes me when it's happening. It fills me with anxiety, pain, fear and eventaully depression. Being away from the one I love does that to me, though only when he leaves. When I leave it feels totally manageable. So... okay, abandonment. He's probably on to something. Being left behind makes me feel abandoned and it kills me.

And he was saying there were trips he wanted to take and things he wanted to see and they will happen and my stomach tightened and twisted and it made me feel scared and out of control. And I don't know how to fix this. Yeah, there is talking to someone but that costs $$$ and I don't really have it, not for any kind of long-term thing that would be necessary to yield results. I mean, I know what my problem is, fixing it is a whole different slice of cheese.

When it's happening, I change my internal dialogue to positive things, I breathe calmly, I try and make more plans with people. It's all temporary. I get a moment of peace and then the anxiety catches me by surprise and drags me into a dark hole.

God, people told me I was strong. People still tell me I'm strong. Yeah, I didn't become a drug addict or bitter or suicidal throughout my little sordid history. A weak person could have gone those routes, yes, but a person is not then "strong" for continuing with life. I don't feel unscathed. I was changed. Who I was changed and then it changed again. What doesn't kill you scars you instead.

I feel vulnerable. I need love and affection and support. I frequently feel lonley and sometimes, only sometimes, a little dead inside. Being away from the one I love most fills me with dread because I know while he's gone I will need him.

If I was single I would be fine. Being single never scared me. I can be emotionally self-sufficient. When I love someone I need them. Because loving someone makes you vulnerable. Because when I'm vulnerable I'm anxious. Because when I love someone I become anxious. Because when something triggers in my mind times of loss and pain with people I've loved and needed, really needed, I get needy and when those needs aren't met I get depressed.

Strong my ass.

We also talked about were we would live someday. He wants to live in the country where he can't see his neighbours and there's trees and acres. I want human connection and the feelings of warmth and comfort I get from being able to see other people in my daily life. One of us would have to make a grave sacrifice. There is no easy relationship in the world, no perfect union.

With two people, there is always going to be an issue. He wants more kids, they don't agree on parenting techniques, they spend money differently, in-law problems, house work isn't shared evenly, wildly different sex drives or turn-ons that don't match up, holiday and vacation disputes, long-term goals and so on.

We're on the same page on everything, mostly, except where we would want to live.

It was a huge conversation. I'm so very tired. It left me feeling emotionally drained.

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