And so it begins. My year has started and I'm on a one way track to the real world - Into which I will be slammed in eight months time.

I saw almost everyone in class and I saw everyone I wanted to see. Which is not that many. I find making friends so difficult. There are so few people in this world that I can connect with. When I meet these few people it's like magic. I come alive in a way.

But in any other social situation, I get nervous, edgy, anxious and making friends becomes a sad impossibility.

Sometimes I think that I actually may have a small problem. Today for example, I was waiting for the elevator and I heard people coming. They were talking and laughing together and I started having a small panic because I didn't want to face them and I willed the elevator to hurry up. It was a sort of wake up call. Why should something like seeing people/facing people bother me so much?

I am a nice person. I can be fun. I can be funny. But yet today I asked many people about their summers and I got many detailed answers but few asked me about my summer. Did no one care or are they just naturally preferring to talk about themselves? Completely possible and probable, that is.

But I took Pink home with me to show her my apartment. She was going to meet Residence (who no longer lives in res) and another girl so it was to be a short stay.

Now, the thing that got me here was that I know the girls that Pink was seeing and they were only going to Wal-Mart and doing who knows what after, but there was no invite for me. I gave Pink an invite window but it was ignored completely. I was supposed to see Pink's place but since Res and the other girl were already there and had called Pink's cell, I said that since they were going out, would it be better if I just stayed home? Pink thought so and off she went. I personally would have said, "No, no why don't you come too?"

It's just a small thing but stuff like that really irks me. I was raised to be polite and to make sure I include people. Having often been excluded in my childhood, I know exactly how shitty it feels. But yet, here I am in college and the same old thing is happening to me. And I can't invite myself. Inviting myself anywhere feels wrong and pathetic.

Is the fault mine? Am I really just hard to get to know? Or was Pink really rude? Maybe both?

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