You represent... naivete.

So innocent and trusting... you can be very shy at
times, but it's only because you're not sure
how to act. You give off that "I need to
be protected vibe." Remember that not all
people are good. Being too trusting will get
you easily hurt.

What feeling do you represent?
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Today was so emotional for me, unaccountably emotional. I went through my day, and it should have been a good one. Though it was Sunday it was fine. The rooms were reasonable and the day went by quickly enough.

But yet there was something lacking. I felt like I was going through the motions of the day and not really living them. I had my head in other worlds all day, playing 'what if?' All things in which I had no hand in deciding. Mostly I thought about the past few years and how I've felt so lost for most of it.

I don't usually give myself over to these unpleasant feelings but today I did, in a way it wasn't exactly a choice.

I deal with my emotions in the same manner a dam holds back water.

When I was little, my grandparents used to take me on boat rides to the locks and I used to watch as the gates would allow small portions of water slip through and raise the water level. I thought it was so fascinating and I always thought that the water would be exactly level but there was always so much more.

Many times the water would be released to get the water level until finally it was safe to open the final gate and let the boats through. Then the gates would close and the water level on the other end would raise again and fill. It was unending.

And that's how I felt today. I felt like the locks, letting out just as much as I thought I could. I would eat a bag of M&Ms on the bus, have a cry in the tub and then have some ice cream for dinner. It would level up my emotions and I'd be safe to go through the rest of my day.

But the unending part. It'll just fill up again and I'll have another day like today and I'll cry in the tub again and eat the M&Ms and the ice cream.

What does this all have to do with? Oh, plenty. There is a constant ache for my mother. That will never go away. I have learned that by now. That pain is going nowhere; it just lays on the other end of the locks waiting to be released.

The fact that my dad has called and wants to reconcile and have me meet his new girlfriend hasn't helped. I'm not ready to face him yet, not after the names, the violence and the deceit and the broken promises. I'm not ready after a month to hear he is a new person. I could have used this wonderful new person, should he really exist, a long time ago.

The fact that a seven year friendship is over, over the most inane thing is also a kick in the teeth.

Throw it all together and you have a weary, tired and emotional person who greatly needed the personal time she got tonight.

I also haven't written in weeks and that makes me feel horrible. I shouldn't let it sit like that. I don't believe that the plot will get cold but my creativity might.

And what it all comes back to in the end, is my mom. It's always about her in some way, even in the most abstract sense. Having her would make everything else in life easier and happier. So much grief is because she isn't here and more still when she isn't there for me when I need her.

I was thinking today about my dream house and that lead to my future wedding and kids. She'll see none of it, experience none of it with me. Life seems so long and unending at times when I thing of how long I must have to live before I can see her again. Most people are only separated from their parents for 30 years. I'll likely have to wait 60.

I can't think of this anymore.

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