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The end
2006, June 4 - 10:20 a.m.

Ross and I broke up. He's unhappy with his life and with how he isn't doing anything. I'm just plain unhappy. I'm going to be treated for depression. We still love each other but we can't make it work.

He did the breaking up. I knew he was going to. I considered doing it myself but in the end I just let him. I couldn't bear to do it, even though a part of me knew it would be for the best.

I've been considering ending this diary and just going back to paper. I've been here for five years. Maybe it's time. I need to think on it more though.

A year ago, our relationship felt so safe and warm. It made me feel so secure and loved. It hasn't been that way in half a year. I've been grasping at straws trying to save us, trying to get back to where we were. But as he pulled away and I grew more depressed, it was impossible...

We talked for hours about it. We were here in my apartment. He held me and cried while he talked. There wasn't any animosity or blame. We both knew it had to be done.

He'll be going away to BC for a few weeks soon. There's a learning opportunity there. He'll stay in Toronto until he has a reason to be somewhere else. The thought of him loving another woman some day kills me.

I haven't been truly single in over five years. There was less than two months between Brent and Ross. This will be new for me. I've never been alone as an adult. I'm scared of feeling lonely.

I've called three people and no one was home. I need a friend right now. I'd go home to K-Town if I could. But I can't. It's too late to go this weekend and next weekend, the next Monday I begin therapy.

The next time I see Ross I won't be able to hold him or kiss him. He needs to bring me my clothes and books that I left over at his place. It's hard to believe it's really done.

He took my spare key off his chain and set it on my table. That small gesture made my heart hurt. I don't know what to do with myself. This weekend is going to be too long. I feel so, so alone.

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<< tradition - modern >>

Thank You - 2006, June 7
The end - 2006, June 4
Canada Loves Me - 2006, May 31
In and Out - 2006, May 28
Where Have I Been? - 2006, May 25