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| Fine 2004, September 16 - 10:54 p.m.
I feel kinda down. I think it may have to do with a few things. My mother died in the fall - on the 20th of this month to be exact. I feel really melancholy. This time five years ago, my mother was in the hospital with four days left to live. Less, because she died during the day. And there is something that I have had to come to terms with and it hasn't been easy. I have to accept that being happy with my life and who I am and what I've done means that my mother's death has served a good purpose in my life. Along with all the pain and chaos, and with every bad event or feeling that has come as a result of losing her, I have gained things to that I otherwise would not have gained. And the hardest part about dealing with that is the guilt. I am happy about so many things that have been the result, indirect or not, of my mother's death. I went backpacking because of her. I could afford to do and I did. I can afford to live in Toronto because I have an inheritance to rely on while I find work. I was able to go to school out of the city and meet people I wouldn't have met otherwise. I was able to live on my own. I learned so many things about myself and all of it would be gone if she had lived or never gotten sick. And the guilt of being so thankful and happy with these things is strong because in a way it feels like I'm happy my mother died. It's been awhile trying to work this out and my feelings about it... but in the end I've come to the conclusion that understanding these things have helped me, more than anything, to deal with her death. I haven't suffered meaninglessly. That is really the big point here, I haven't suffered meaninglessly. And I wouldn't have been able to see my life in this way without having experienced such loss... But even having come to terms with this, I still miss her. I still ache for her sometimes. I think of her often though I find I've been talking about her less and less. Whether it's because I have less need or have run out of things to say I'm not sure. Perhaps I've just moved on. That's a horrific notion, but likely true. I've moved on and moved past her death. I've not moved past everything she's done or meant for me, that's not it. I've just finished mourning her death. It's taken five years and I feel now that it's time to move forward. Every few months I'll have a cry for her. Often I'll think of her. Occasionally I'll talk about her. And every so often during times like this I'll remember her death. I don't think ahead to how long it'll be without her. I just live each day separately and each day I see that I'm fine. I am fine. She told me before she died that she knew I would be fine. I definitely am. Thank You - 2006, June 7
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