Ross doesn't know where his passport is. God help me. I'm nervous. He has 10 days to locate it before we go to the Dominican. If he can't find it I go alone. I really don't want to go alone to the Carribean. For one, it's meant to be a romantic type of holiday for the two of us. Secondly, developing countries aren't terribly safe for solo female foreigners. I certainly wouldn't feel safe to leave the resort for anything if I went alone.

So yeah, I'm feeling nervous. When Ross got back from Europe in May he gave his dad his passport and his dad doesn't remember where he put it. At the very least it's in his dad's house. Too bad it's full of nooks and cranies. Oy.

I'm trying not to think about it too much because it gets me anxious.

I had a talk with Ross a little while ago about his family. It's been a year and a half and I barely know them. This is in part due to a few things. One, I am an introverted person and it can take a while to get to know me. Two, his family is tight-knit and don't seem to make any particular effort to get to know newcomers. Three, I haven't spent much time with them at all. Four, when I do spend time with them their converation topics revolve around people I don't know, situations I wasn't a part of and other things I can't talk about or contribute to.

I have been frustrated by this... It's been on my mind. When I first saw The Family Stone trailers, about how this family doesn't let others in, I immediately thought of Ross's family. Having seen the movie now I see some similarities still, but they aren't mean like the Stones can be. The Stones have a snarky quality that Ross's family, thankfully, does not have.

No, what I feel from them is a distinct warmth for each other that does not extend to someone like me, a significant other of a family member. I can't help but compare in my mind Brent's family who welcomed me so nicely, who asked me questions about myself, who who made me feel like I belonged, who visibly were happy to have me there and be a part of their son's life. They integrated me into their lives.

Ross's family doesn't do that. You have to integrate yourself. Either that or they just don't like me. This is a possibility because I'm a shy person and they aren't. They might think I am aloof or a snob or disinterested in getting to know them, none of which are true.

He warned me they were hard to get to know. He didn't deceive me. I wish they were more like other families, the kind that are more accomodating, the type who will make sure their guests are comfortable rather than leaving newcomers to their own devices to find their own way in a new place with new people.

For someone like me, it's hell and I have two counts against me: I'm shy trying to get to know a close-knit family who expect you to get to know them rather than the other way around. I find it harsh and difficult.

Apparently Ross's mom, who divorced his dad some 20 years ago, thought they were like The Family Stone too. Ross heard that recently and it's weird that we both thought that and told him about it. It was an iteresting coincidence. Validating because I'm not just imagining it and discouraging because I'm not just imagining it and it's something I have to handle not just in my head.

The way I see it is this: It sucks. Kind of closed off to outsiders is just the way they are. It sucks and I can't change who they are and Ross can't change who they are. So, I have to champion myself. I have to push myself harder to be less shy. I have to talk more. I have to make myself comfortable.

And I need Ross's help. He needs to be a better bridge between his girlfriend and his family. When I'm around them he needs to open up conversations that I can join in rather than sit back and contribute and enjoy all the niche conversations that I can't be a part of. He needs to organize more meetings between me and his dad. He needs to initiate fun things we can do together. Basically, it's his home turf and he needs to create opportunities for me. And when he does I need to seize those opportunities.

And that's all we can do. IT will be a long road. But it would be a hell of a lot better than what's been happening, which is nothing.

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Thank You - 2006, June 7
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Where Have I Been? - 2006, May 25